Tag Archives: strength

Deep Breathing Challenge – Day #30

I didn’t give an update for my last two weeks, because I didn’t really have one. I have noticed a lot in my first two weeks of this challenge and there are also some realizations I have accepted through the process. It’s been a deep growth period for me and one I have truly enjoyed to the fullest.

I no longer get lightheaded,

when I deep breathe for yoga or meditation. Now that my body is used to spending, roughly half, of the time deep breathing naturally, it is better able to accommodate those activities where deep breathing is involved.


 

I can run farther, faster.

My strides are long as if I’m seven inches taller. My body takes off and flies through the scenery. Coming from a hometown in high altitude and thin air, it was already one thing to experience such thickness in the air here; being so close to sea level. Deep breathing has given me back my power to match my breathing to the environment. I used to compensate my breathing when I ran here, unsure of how exactly to measure my breaths. Sometimes I would breathe a lot of faster and sometimes just a little too shallow. I now understand the rhythm and flow to serve my body the best functioning for runs, jogs, and now… hikes!


I’ve stopped craving junk food as often.  

It was cookies every single night, chocolate of some sort every day, skipping meals and craving chocolate of any kind. Milk, carbs for all three meals, late night snacks, decrease in activity. The sluggish feeling became overwhelming. The clear thinking I have had from deeply breathing has not only filtered out unnecessary thoughts and slowed down my pace of speech, but it has given me clear and concise communication with the part of my brain that tells me when I am hungry and/or thirsty and what nutrients I actually need to fuel my body. I am listening intently as I gather what I need. The bag of Cadbury eggs in my fridge are not being touched [as often] as I thought they would be. They may just last until Winter…. don’t worry about the amount I bought. That’s not of importance. Fruits and veggies and water are once again, the biggest part of my diet. I crave cherries like I craved cookies. My breaths allow me to really feel my lungs expand and my heart beat at an appropriate rate. I feel the beating getting stronger everyday. My own heart is regaining it’s strength due to my breaths lengthening, inhibiting my mind to decide accurately what it is I need to put in my body to make this function last.


 

I have learned and accepted, that I can’t breathe deeply every single breath of every single moment of every day, but I can come back to deep breathing when I have stopped doing whatever it is that takes the focus of mind.

Such as conversations, being in the moment with friends, laughing, watching suspenseful movies, and even sleeping. Educating clients, reading a book. There are some things I do, where I just don’t think about my breathing. Although my breathing is no longer shallow like it used to naturally be, it is not as naturally deep as I had hoped. Although, can every breath be naturally so deep, comparable to meditation? Would we then be focused so hard on breathing that we actually get pulled away from being in the moment? That aspect was never my goal. Although, because I have spent every possible moment in these last thirty days, giving attention to my breath, I have learned that I am now spending half my time awake giving an in depth rise and fall of my rib cage, full expansion to my diaphragm, and a piece of mind to my body. I am less toxic on a cellular level, which in turn frees my mind, endocrine system, and skin of toxicity.

When I am engaged in something active, whether it be a soccer game, conversing with workmates and friends, indulged in books and movies, or exercising, although my breath is not actively opening up as when I am focused, it is opening much, much more, than it used to. My natural breath is now three times deeper than it used to be. I am calmer as a person in all aspects of my life. I am more confident without having nonsensical anxiety and worrisome thoughts. I take the time in all I do. I no longer rush my days. I no longer stir my brew of self-sabotage mixed with ingredients of time, fear, attention, and perfection.

 

This challenge has been one to remember forever. It has undoubtedly, answered the questions I could never have answered for me. It has forced me to look within not with shame, but acceptance and patience. It has allowed me to conquer aspects of myself I feared I would never be able to do. It has taught me that nothing about ourselves is permanent and we can improve our spirits in anyway we seem fit; all we have to do is commit.

I am twenty four mortal years old and am learning things I have not learned in all the others years my soul has walked this Earth. It’s humbling, it’s enlightening, and it’s moving. Thank you for allowing me to share this 30 day challenge experience with you. As always, I encourage you to venture on a 30 day challenge of your own! Big or small, physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental – challenging ourselves and pushing ourselves outside of our comfort zone is one of the best experiences we can give ourselves. We thrive, we grow, and even surprise ourselves along the way.

We are all strong and wonderful.
Challenge yourself, today.

Another Historical Moment in the New Millennium

It’s no hidden fact, that since the beginning of our new millennium, we have made monumental moments in our history that have been captivating,

In 2001, the first iPod was introduced by Apple, Inc. and it was a month before that we had a terrorist attack on our nation and Historical Afghan cliff carvings of the Buddhas are blown up after the Taliban deems them idolatrous.
In 2002, Banksy smuggles one of his own works into Tate Britain: The nation’s favorite graffiti artist, Bansky, smuggles one his pieces into Tate Britain; earning himself a place in the art establishment
In 2004, Facebook was launched by Mark Zuckerberg
In 2005, YouTube was created and Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans
2006 brought us Planet Earth, The God Delusion, and our first E-Reader by Sony.
Paul McCartney proved anyone can be a record label, even Starbucks, when he signed in 2007.
The year of 2008 brought us our first black President of the United States
Pop Icon, Michael Jackson passed away in 2009.
NASA took its final mission in 2011.
We survived the apocalypse on December 21, 2012
The Selfie, The Belfie, “Bae”, Instagram, Snapchat, iPads, Facetime, Radio on the Go…….


Now, in 2015, we have yet again, made our mark in history as a wide clan of humanity. We have given evidence to show what it means to be united and stand together as one. Different parties have come together, different religions have come together, and different generations… have come together. We have the done the undoable and accomplished the accomplishable….

Supreme Court has ruled in favor of gay marriage in all 50 states. 


White House Turns to Rainbow
photo credit: Mladen Antonov


A display of the colors as shown: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet.
That is seven colors that correlates not just the number, but the order, in which our Chakras run. (Root, Hara, Solar Plexus, Heart, Throat, Third Eye, Crown).

Coincidence? Nothing is coincidence.

The colors are based off the the order and creation of the natural phenomena, the rainbow. (Notice how “rainbow”, in itself, is seven letters long?) The rainbow appears after rainfall and is said to be God’s promise to mankind that he won’t ever again, flood the Earth. The rainbow is a sign of promise, peace, growth, love, opportunity, cherishment, and love. These seven colors literally, run from the shade before it into the shade following it. The red fades into orange, fades into yellow, fades into green; all the way until the indigo fades into violet (our crown chakra, that when opened, gives us ultimate, open communication with the Divine), shining so brightly, that as the violet sheds those sweet purple and lavender hues, they become filled more with pinks; bringing us back full circle to a bold and leading red.

7 Colors
7 Letters
7 Dominating Chakras through the center of our body.

There is no denying that the message of the rainbow has clearly been lost throughout society as we have grown in less than favorable ways throughout the centuries of occupying Mother Earth. But here it is, again, forcing us to open our ways. Forcing us to pay attention to the moral laws set forth by powers greater than we will ever know. We are made of the components that the message brings. We were made up of all the colors that run in and out of each other. One color is every color and no color is no such thing. It proves the connection among all living things.


The ruling came on June 26th, 2015 from a very close 5-4 ruling in the Supreme Court, denying every state the power to prohibit same sex couples seeking marriage. The moment the gavel came down in favor of the marriage rights, it was instantly legal; giving every gay man and lesbian woman the right to enjoy their marriage rights that every opposite-sex couple has enjoyed for thousands of years. Obama gives a pretty straight forward speech in this short video here.

Said President Obama on the night of the ruling, “This is a great step toward our March in equality.” And he couldn’t be more right. The Defense of Marriage Act was denied in 2013 by the Supreme Court, after millions of eager citizens were waiting to hear the news on what their future of freedom would hold for them. Millions of people have fought blood, sweat, and tears to make this moment happen. They have endured name calling, unlawful physical attacks, hate messages, judgements, disownment from families and friends, and even the development of fear. They have stayed true to themselves through the fire as they walked across the coals of other people’s wrath and envy. People are born with bravery. It’s a quality one develops.

Our country has much to learn about the concept of courage, bravery, and integrity. For so many years, people have taken it upon themselves to play God. They have taken ownership of the right to judge others, sentence others, condemn others; just because they believe in different views.

There are some things, I can only shake my head at, such as the outcries of our nation’s senators and political figures. Which is when I turn to the man who has taken my response to these people, right out of my mouth and in doing so, has allowed me to laugh with millions who also viewed this treat on Monday, June 29th.


 

LET THIS BE KNOWN AMERICA:

YOU ARE NOT BETTER OR WORSE THAN THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU. 

YOU DO NOT OWN THE RIGHT TO JUDGE ANYBODY OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF.  

YOU DO NOT OWN THE RIGHT TO CONDEMN THOSE WHO SEE DIFFERENTLY.


Absolutely adorable is when kids are asked their views. Now, kids are literally a by-product of their parents and daily environment. They speak their mind because they are pure of heart. They see things a number of adults don’t see because they haven’t lost their depth of imagination. They understand things a number of adults do not, because they love wholeheartedly. So when asked what their opinion is of gay marriage, they said this.


 

This picture below, is what it looks like when the nonbelievers utilize the space in between their arms for accepting individual thought and lifestyle, instead of utilizing it to hold onto their pride.

The White House is blanketed in rainbow colors symbolizing
photo credit: Molly Riley


 

quote from Obama on Gay Marriage

Obama said the ruling was the “consequence of the countless small acts of courage of millions of people across decades who stood up, who came out, who talked to parents — parents who loved their children no matter what. Folks who were willing to endure bullying and taunts and stayed strong and came to believe in themselves and who they were, and slowly made an entire country realize that love is love.”


 

Gaining support in this triumph is ever growing. Even churches are beginning to recognize the strength and beauty in opening their minds to accept other beliefs as genuine individual thought. “If we were all the same, we’d all be eating at Taco Bell,” my mom always says. And she is right. How boring would that be if we all thought and lived and ate the same? Diversity is what America was made for. Against what Senator Ted Cruz thinks, it is exactly, what our founding fathers wanted for our country.

Life. 
Liberty.
Equality.
Freedom.
Pursuit of Happiness.

Suffering For A Cause

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Crying, pouting, and digging your own grave, should not be a part of suffering, necessarily. Suffering is a beautiful thing if you let it be. Suffering helps us learn something new about ourselves and our surroundings. From said lessons, we are able to grow and share our insights to those who are stepping into the suffrage from whence we just came.

Paying it forward is a beautiful thing.

I suffered, yes indeed. I didn’t just suffer, but I conquered Lent.

Veni, Vidi, Vici !

Through 46 days of shaking hands, eye googling drool dripping out of the corners of my mouth for all the things I want – I made it out alive. Noticing every eye twitch, every palm sweat, and most importantly, every time I said “I don’t need that,” followed by the action of walking away; I discovered and accepted a new strength I didn’t before, allow myself the credit of having.

As was said in Lent It Out “You too, hold the power within!” I took my words very seriously as I let them permanently place themselves in my post. I harnessed my personal power in the times I felt weak and bored.

For the amount I would have spent if I had given into the things I wanted vs the things I needed, I would have spent a grand total of $2,749.

Instead, spending the money on the stuff I needed, I was able to split the cost of groceries without a worry, never fear how I was going to gas up my Xterra, got my dog her big bag of dog food, and was able to pay off $1,152 of debt. Let me tell you – as a 23 year old, that is a big deal. Paying off debts without accruing any new debts is important and strikes me as one of the most important priorities a person can have.

It’s a struggle to overcome an old habit. I would be lying if I said I didn’t put my accountibilibuddies to use. They got called. They snapped me out of it when moments got rough (or when things got cute).

I made a vow by this Lent, that not only shall I control my wallet and temptations, but I will successfully break through the barrier of my weakened need of materialistic fulfillment!

My things don’t make me who I am.
This processes was one of trust and commitment. And every year I do it, I will be reminded, that life is always a work in progress, and our attachments contain our suffering.

To break free from attachment is to obtain freedom.
To gain strength outside of attachment is to achieve power.
To suffer for a cause, is to find meaning behind the reason. 

Lent It Out.

 

 


 

For those of you who don’t know what Ash Wednesday is. It’s the first day of Lent. Lent is known in the Western Christianity communities as a ritual of fasting for 46 days. That is forty days of fasting, if the 6 Sundays (which are not days of fast) are excluded.
Traditionally, it’s a fasting of meat.
As culture has expanded and grown it’s become an acceptable place in Lent to confess the weakness of temptations you’ve been having regarding a certain habit, weakness, or judgement you’ve held on to and can’t seem to get control over.
It’s a time of acknowledgement and spiritual growth, as well as a compromise to the power and control you’ve been lacking to this “thing”

Some people give up fast food for Lent, some give up alcohol, some give up junk food, some give up soda, some make Lent a time for developing a new habit like: instead of feeling bored and sitting and doing nothing, I am going to spend 30 minutes each day walking through the neighborhood and getting fresh air, 

or, instead of doing busy work I am going to spend 15 minutes a day on that project I have been putting off.

Which is also a great time to start, if throughout the rest of the year you don’t do things like self evaluations or 30 day challenges.

This year for Lent, I decided to spend money only on the things I absolutely need.

Sthat hair trim and extra bottle of Green Tea from the store? Nope.
That frosting & baked delicious looking dog treat from the store for my dog? Ney.
That rug online that is 80% off and would be perfect in the living room? No way.
Those Sorels winter boots with the fur and tread on the bottom? Ohhhh no.

So far, if I would have bought the things I would normally carelessly spend money on, thinking that money grows on the tree outside of my building, I would have spent $472, and Lent only started on February 18th.
And because I am only buying things I absolutely need, I have enough food to make healthy meals every morning, every lunch, and everynight. I have paid off $205 so far of debt and will have enough to cover my bills and gas from driving, and suddenly…..
I am noticing how much pickier I am becoming with my spending.

“Is that really worth $80 or can I probably find that somewhere else for a lot cheaper?”
“Spring is almost here…. do I really need a new coat this year or have the ones I’ve been wearing work just fine?”

Granted, the living room is unfurnished. But Danny’s been in pre-seaon traveling since the middle of January and I’ve been working almost everyday since I moved here. So, neither of us have really been home long enough to decide how to decorate or what we need first. Yes, we need a couch. Yes, we will need some lamps, due to the electric in the living room light that doesn’t work. And yes, we will need a bookshelf to get all of our books off the floor. But those will come.

For those of you who have any debts or bad spending habits in general, ask yourself, do you really WANT that item or do you really NEED that item?
Close your eyes and imagine that item in your life right now and imagine your bank account. Can you honestly make that purchase without risking not having enough for another financial obligation? WHY do you want or need this item? HOW is this going to impact your life?

Another thing you can do, is try putting the money you would have normally spent on that “wanted item” into your savings account or a savings envelope. Title it “money spent” and commit to only ADDING money to it. At the end of the month (or Lent in my case), take a look at the envelope or savings account and see how much money you have that otherwise, you would not if you gave in and spent spent spent on things you want want want.

Our mind too easily confuses our wants and needs. And because we are a nation with a focus on unfortunate and unnecessary consumerism and capitalism, we begin to believe that we really do NEED the superficial and materialistic items in our lives in order to stay alive and stay noticed. Or you emotionally shop and it turns you into a shopaholic.

I fall into that last category. And that’s why I am taking the Lent now.

Like alcoholics and AA. I was an awfully scary shopaholic for years. Spending a disgusting amount of money everyday on everything I wanted, just because I had the money and I could. All Cash. When you run on nothing but Cash, it goes fast. I got myself into a shopping rehab. SA I call it – Shopaholics Anonymous. I needed a support system. I needed coping skills. When I got a trigger of any emotion that caused me to spend money, I needed somewhere or someone I could get in touch with immediately. I didn’t walk into a mall for one year. I learned about thrift shops and second hand stores (which turns out, I now love more than paying $300 for a table that looks exactly the same). It was hard. I had to treat it like an addiction to take it seriously, and in many ways it was.

I still shop when I absolutely can and even then, if I allow myself a “shopping spree” it now comes once or twice a year, instead of everyday. If I need furniture, I look at as many different resources as I can before I make a healthy decision on where I purchase it from and why I need it and I know that when I spend the money on it, my bank account will not be hindered. Because I prepare now.
I have traded furniture with friends, clothing swapped with friends and family, and have inherited many cool pieces of furniture given away by strangers and neighbors and friends alike and have been able to give away cool pieces of furniture myself.

Lent is allowing me to regroup and give myself a little slapping reminder to “keep it together woman!”


 

With this fist, I raise it in the air and regain my personal power!

AND SO CAN YOU!

Lent or no lent.
Christian or Atheist,

YOU TOO, Hold the Power Within to take back the control over your personal weaknesses and desires. The things you want to do or be better at, but for one reason or another, give into doing the complete opposite.

Remember, that everything great comes in moderation and even too much of a good thing is unhealthy.

And for whatever your weakness or habit you want to change, all it takes is acknowledgement, a series of rhetorical questions to how it became created, a support group of accountibilibuddies, and of course, a written down plan of action.

No flower blooms at the same pace. But they do bloom.

What It Means to Love Thy Body.

I moved to New York February 3rd. My plane landed in the afternoon and my sweet sweet boyfriend, Danny, had me picked up by a driver and I met him at his work by the time he was off. I hadn’t seen him since January 2nd and I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest at the first sight of him. Could it be?! Danny in person! Not Face-time, not Skype. Person. Real life. When you date long distance, the feeling you get of seeing your significant other in real life is so surreal, you have to literally question yourself if you are dreaming or not. My World was spinning in all the best ways that day.

We hugged for what seemed like, ever. We kissed passionately. And we drove home and talked and he let me gawk at the views out the windows. To him, it was already “the norm” and to me, it was no Wasatch Mountain Range of Utah, but nonetheless, trees EVERYWHERE from the location the highways running through the woods. Snow capped land with enough snow to pack inside the Big Cottonwood Canyon and shred down fresh powder for weeks.

It never occurred to me then that my insides were in the middle of turmoil.

We stopped at Trader Joe’s on our way home and loaded up on groceries. That cutie pie had stocked our pantry previously with all the foods I loved so much to my surprise. He would be leaving in two days and seeing as how I wasn’t yet employed, the only money I had was what was already in my account and he didn’t want me to worry about not having money to buy food while he was in Manchester, UK for work for the ten day pre-season trip.

We went home by the evening and unpacked my luggage and he was giving me a tour of the apartment. Our cute one bedroom, hardwood floor apartment with checkered bathroom and a bedroom with broken ventilation. To me, I thought “this is romance.” The story of lovebirds living in New York in a shitty first apartment with a living room that has no electricity and no heat in the bedroom. The lights and heat worked everywhere else and I imagined us going through this year lease together learning how to fix up the apartment ourselves. New York is expensive to rent in and for the price you pay, it’s surprising how much you get. Like the small shelled bugs that periodically are caught roaming in our house. But it’s our home and that’s what makes it special. It’s our first place together and it’s the place that will upset us and let us down when something breaks and it will be up to us to not let it get the best of us because it’s our first place together and it will be the place that tests our teamwork. Because we are a team. Working hand in hand.

I love the apartment no matter what it’s like. I love the person I see standing across from me in the kitchen dipping his Chewy Chips Ahoy into a glass of Organic Whole Milk. I love that the next evening I get to drive to JFK airport and pick up my most beloved dog and together we will be the Campbell-Laroche household. I love the bitter cold weather of the snow and the way it freezes my fingertips and toes and makes me feel as if my nose will be frost bitten with each deep inhale. I love our tiny town that is one mile long and supplied with just about everything I need a town to have. I love the accent of our Albanian neighbors and the smell of Mary’s Greek food that she cooks everyday. I love that we are the only two apartments in this building above shops and I absolutely love the narrow winding roads that go in and out of the woods along the Connecticut/New York State Lines.

Love, love, love, is what I’m getting at here.
I am telling you everything I love about everything but the most important thing connected to me. And me being my soul. Because I am a soul. My body is my vessel. My body is not me. It is my armor. I never mentioned anything about loving it.

Danny and I finish dinner. We go and lay down in the bed and he puts on a movie. I am curled up awkwardly and thirty minutes go by and suddenly…. I can’t breathe.
With every fiber of my being I CANNOT BREATHE. I began to panic and Danny’s eyes open up wide in terror as he begs me, “Ash what’s wrong??? What’s happening??” I’m gripping my lower abdomen and crying my eyes out telling him I have no idea what’s going on. I can’t stand up straight. It feels like knives and needles are stabbing me and gutting open my insides. Talons are wrenching open every muscle fiber and every connective tissue that is supposed to protect my insides. My uterus is cramping so hard; I have never felt this pain before. I am inexperienced with menstrual cramps because I can count on less than one full hand the amount of times I have had menstrual cramps. And when I have experienced menstrual cramps, all it took was a banana and a 30 minute nap on my stomach to relieve the irritation of the unnecessary process of my monthly due. This was an omen. This was something so foreign and unnatural, I felt like I was releasing something evil through the work of Exorcism that Jayme and I had preformed on people. Their violent screams and gritting teeth. I was feeling this pain.

Danny told me he was taking me to the hospital and I immediately objected. I figured, “Whatever this is, I will sleep this off. Please just get me a hot towel and help me lie down on my back.” He got me what I asked for and told me that I can’t use a home remedy for something that I have never experienced before. Given, that I beg to differ, as I study natural medicine and home remedies for everything, I knew he was right. I had NO idea what was happening and my body was sweating profusely, my adrenaline was pumping. I couldn’t be still long enough to listen to my body. Danny set the timer on his phone for five minutes and I compromised with him that at the end of five minutes, if my pain wasn’t lessened, he was taking me to the Emergency Room.

All I could think about was trying to get my breath slower so I wouldn’t have to go to the hospital on my first night moving to New York. I didn’t know what to think. I knew I would refuse medicine if they tried to give it to me. I didn’t want any drugs in my body and I certainly didn’t want to spend the night in the hospital. And my mom. Last thing I needed was to have my mom stressing out that her youngest daughter, who is prone to developing the most odd of injuries always coming out of thin air that are rare and damaging, be in a hospital in New York her first night moving to New York.

Five minutes was up.

I tried my best to smile and tell Danny my pain was better. He told me to get off the bed. I rolled my eyes and reluctantly started to move. It didn’t take but a couple of seconds before I was clenching my jaw so tight to keep from screaming in pain. Emergency Room is was. I gave in the towel and grabbed my insurance card and he hauled me to the car and we drove to the Northern Westchester Hospital Emergency Room.

A nurse awakened me in the waiting room and walked me back to the room. It was no dream….. I was really there. Danny looked sad from not being able to know what to do to help my pain. I looked at him with sad eyes, feeling like a burden because of my pain. I was wheeled off to another wing of the hospital to get scanned; finding out the omen was a ruptured cyst.

A ruptured cyst.

I couldn’t believe my ears. Or my eyes, when I looked at the ultrasound images in the small dark room, with a very comforting and friendly nurse who I could tell was probably a phenomenal and adorable grandmother to some kids out there in the World. She explained to me that the black blob was free floating fluid outside of my uterus. It would take a few days, maybe a week, for it to exit my body entirely. She was unable to give me a gauge of what my pain would be like, if any.

I just sat..stunned. Flashbacks of horrific memories began flooding my mind and in my heart of hearts, I knew how I had developed this cyst. Given the duration of time, it only makes sense that it would have to burst at some point in time. It made sense to me how it developed. And I couldn’t help but shake my head in deep, deep sorrow as I cursed myself for not realizing what the pain all those months and almost a year before was. For never getting it checked out. I assumed it was one thing entirely natural and instead, it was indeed, the cyst itself, forming and gathering particles until it ceased to grow anymore until there was no other way out other than explosion.

I accepted the news.
They discharged me and told me I could buy Motrin for pain if I felt like I needed it. Otherwise, I should take it easy and avoid vigorous workouts.

When Danny left for Manchester the morning of the 5th, I cried and cried and cried.
I went to the bathroom and held my stomach and looked in the mirror.

And that’s when I realized…..

I had forgotten to truly love my body.

I had spent so much time, for YEARS, including that day, gawking at everyone and everything around me and above me. I expressed love for people, places, and things. I expressed love to myself but never, not once, did I take the consideration to express love; real love; to my vessel. My mortal packaging of bones, tissues, veins, muscles, and organs. My beating heart that worked hard day in and day out to provide the clean blood to pump through my body and feed every square millimeter of my body.

I held my abdomen as I looked into my eyes in the mirror and cried and told my body “I am so sorry for the pain I have caused you over the years. For the impurities I have allowed to soak you down in and the beatings I allowed you to take. Please forgive me for the times I have starved you from real nutrients and water, drying you out. Of course you would begin to give up on me! I don’t blame you. My sweet body…. I love you so much. My beautiful vessel that carries me with these mortal feet, wherever I want to go; every single day of my life. My hands that write and type until my beautiful eyes beg me to shut. They never fight me. You allow me to overwork you and underfeed you and push you to your limits everyday without the amount of rest you deserve. You have sacrificed so much of your energy for me so I can selfishly live how I want to live and I think because you are my body and my mind tells me it’s okay that it is okay. I am so sorry vessel. I am so sorry for the torturous things I have put you through and I beg of your forgiveness. I express all my gratitude to you now and forever. I express my love to you endlessly, for without you, I would not be this being.” I began to specifically touch each individual organ and tell it how much I love it and thanked it specifically for the unique work it does for my body to retain power and strength, giving me another moment inside my own handpicked body. I began to revel in my love for my body and began to have conversations with my body I had never thought to have before. My body began to tell me things it has held onto for so many years. We talked, we laughed, we cried together; my body and I.

And together, we let go.

I promised to myself and my body from that moment forward, I would always remember to give my love and gratitude back to it. I promised to always take care of it. I promised to always listen deeply to it and never take for granted what it has to tell me. I promised to trust my body with its communication.

Just like our friendships, work relationships, romantic partnerships, and family ties that require love and attention and effort. Our body and our souls are tied together in their very own relationship. One that we too often take for granted.

We are not our bodies.

And when we die, our bodies are not ours to keep. Our bodies do not follow us wherever we go because our soul is timeless. Our soul is not kept inside our body because our body is a costume that merely contains our soul which is in fact our life form. Our body is there for us immortal souls to operate and function in a mortal World.

Among every relationship you have in your life; don’t forget the relationship you have with your body. Take the time to touch it, talk to it, listen to it. It is what carries you. It is what saves you. It is your protection. Your very resource for movement alone. And without it, you are imprisoned in a case that will only release you when it finally gives up. So, I say again with as much encouragement as I can muster………..

Love the World around you. Love the ups and downs that come your way. Love the people, places, and things that come in and out of your life. Share your stories and memories and make things happen.

And most importantly, LOVE THY BODY.
The very unique, exquisite, and beautiful threshold that you reside in.
Your ultimate home.

Love it with your full soul and heart and it will love you back. And together, may you both live in this Mortal life, happy, healthy, and prosperous.

 
Amen.

Wildfire.

I’m having revelation after revelation it seems since starting my last term at school. The middle three and fourth terms you really do get burned out. At least for our criteria. We are the graduating class EM1012,

We are the fearless class who spoke up and spoke loud and have made an impact that will forever last on the school.

I think my problem is that I have just taken a fake effect on everything in life. For some reason, a visual part of my life just seems to have a weird effect in my life now. The past comes back. I notice it more when I’m high with Lion.  I feel bad when I get to that point where I usually spend that “high time” by myself. And we do everything together. We both miss our alone time, and it’s fair that we both get that. We are just people.

I don’t think I have daddy issues at all. In fact, I have seldom issues with my father. But I am the part of him that I enjoy the most. He is my total opposite, and yet one of my favorite like-people in this World.

I know the person who holds my demons. Who stole me of my innocence.

You hear all the time that nobody has fears. “Oh, I’ve seen everything!” they shout, “I have no fears! ! There is nothing to fear in this World because man can do everything. We are forces able to connect with any flowing thing..”, and though that may be true, we can’t do everything all of the time and take on a Superwoman act without rest, without time alone. Burnt out and stressed out. Overloaded and unhappy. Rage and Creepy auras. Vasodialation and heated up with blood flowing. Exchanging energy to sustain the goal in mind. Which is to write! Write however it comes out, because sometimes this feels so much better then crying. Sometimes I just don’t have it in me. I feel horrible because Lion always thinks it’s about him and like he is the only thing that makes me unhappy. But he really doesn’t know about any other of my other stresses. I mainly don’t tell him my stresses or bad news. I don’t want him to stress out about me. I stress him out enough. I feel like an ugly person. Inside and out, ironically! Hahahaha!  I have always wondered if that manifests itself into our literal shape. Mental issues taking a shape onto your body.

I am sitting in the bedroom while my babs is out on the couch. I feel like he thinks these are moments where he can’t do anything. And it sucks, because I don’t know how to show him that I don’t care what he does in his personal life without him thinking that I’m being cynical or cunty. Because, I have a sick tendency to be pretty cunty. I say all sorts of things with my imaginative mind. I just let it flow out, as if I’m opening my subconscious, Of course, I strive to open to my Pituitary Gland. I have been realizing what parts of me I have been neglecting, and the Pituitary Gland is the all mighty. The connection to Third Eye.

I feel like I can’t even control the eyes I have now. I have a problem looking in the center of everything. As I’m typing, I am actually focusing directly in front of me. I’m losing a bit of my sense of time although I still know what’s going on in my home. The computer with the music playing is slowing making its way towards me and the harmonies bear in the meditation.

Bathroom Break.

I can’t justify my personality flaws nor the flaws of other people. I can’t blame my mother or any other outside influence that has many any subconscious impact in my life. The bottom line is: it has.

Whether it was a good or bad experience, it has made an impression in my life. Whether I acknowledge it or not, these life influences sit at the foundation of every life choice I make. I could go on and on and dive into every specific issue and I could pour my heart to you openly. That might make me feel better, if we could get by with treating symptom issues.

I don’t like treating symptoms with my clients, so what makes me think I want to treat symptoms with myself? The goal here is to change the root cause!

What I have now is new-found reality. I will not confine myself to thinking errors such as “I am this way because,__________” because that’s juvenile. In the end, it’s our energetic force-field that has allowed for the influence and whatever influence has made its way, must have needed to get in for a reason. I myself have blossomed into a person unlike any other, which is a praise on its own, because that’s what we should do as humans! We have the opportunity, the encouragement above all to live our passions. Being ourselves is something not many people in this World know they can be, and yet, it’s our birth right. Stripped away from some of us at birth, from government, from abusive environments, from report cards, and societal failures. In reality, we are the only person able to stop us; if we allow someone else to do that job, we might as well already be half dead.

Influence. Impression. Impact.

So how do I, and other people in the same type of situation, deal with this?

We acknowledge it. We accept it. We change it.
But how do we change it?

By developing new thinking habits. It’s the one controllable change we have upon ourselves. We read and write all the time lists and explanations of ways to improve our happiness, our general emotional state, and our mental clarity. Be positive. Change your realm of people. Take a Me Day. Create a Gratitude Journal. Try this, try that, and let me tell you how to live a happier life in less than 100 ways.

That’s not reality though, because not everybody has the same motivation or change rate. Not everyone’s problems come from their friends or jobs. Not everyone wants to give up their inner circle in order to have a peace of mind. Not everybody has to write in a gratitude journal to make their prayers validated. Again, all that does is fix the symptoms. So when the unhappiness creeps back in, it’s back to the drawing board.

The only thing we need to do when it comes to looking for change is our thought process. It’s the one aspect that drives every action, every perceptional view, every choice and emotion and reason for what we do. If we don’t think we sit. Our brain doesn’t know what else to do other than go with the flow. By re-training our thought patterns, we can project a better outcome for ourselves.

I’m not a scientist or psychologist. I can’t tell you ways on how to change your thought process, because I don’t know where your issues stem from. I also don’t have all the time in the World to hear about them as much as you don’t have all the time in the World to talk about them. And that’s okay. It’s not inhumane of me to not want to hear about it. You don’t know me from Eve, so why should you bear your innermost problems to me by way of verbal information?

I am a Professional Massage Therapist. A holistic body worker and firm believer in the connection with our Physical and Energetic bodies. Everyday I get to work with someone new and help facilitate the healing process for them to get back to their optimal level of health, by bringing them back in alignment with the gravitational pull and balancing out the energies and emotions that are inside. I get to communicate with bodies everyday and learn something new from someone. It’s truly a blessing what I do and I hope to do it my entire life.

You can’t fix your physical problems without fixing your energetic problems and vice versa. You can’t recognize your issues and continue to write a rain check on them in the hopes you will still progress. And you wonder why you’re not changing….

For me, I change my thought process by forcing positive thoughts my way if in the event they are in deep hiding. I fake it to make it sometimes. I am only human and it’s impossible to be consistently happy all of the time. We need down sides to even us out. We need a flushing of emotions to keep us in check that, hey! We’re humans. It’s what we do.

By becoming better in touch with ourselves and who we are, we need to make that connection solid between heart and mind. We need to listen to our bodies when it tells us something. We need not to fight the releasement our bodies crave. Our bodies need the releasement and would fulfill it’s craving if we didn’t let our pride and mind control get in the way. We have a right to live free of dis-ease. We have a right to bury our burdens and set the grave on fire.

 

We have a right to shine and grow and fulfill our passionate destinies.

It’s our birthright, to burn like Wildfire.

Skeletons In the Closet.

I’ve been having this intense feeling lately that for every big change you make in life, you won’t complete the process of change without confronting one forgotten situation of the past.

Secrets come out.
Skeletons are dug deep out of the closet.

And in a completely twisted way, we wouldn’t have been able to make the change, without confronting our hidden past.

Why do people have experiences others don’t? Is any experience truly random? Or is it a mix between our current thoughts and past secrets – coming out to form a new age enlightenment?
Hoping that maybe this time, we’ll get it.

I’m a strong believer in the Law of Attraction. I’m a strong believer in communicating with the Universe and using my faith to protect me and others.

But nothing protects you from bringing those things to life. Nothing ever stops surprising you when you must practice your faith out of fear, disappointment, or danger.

I recently took a weekend trip to LA. I had trusted someone who made himself out to be a bigger deal than he was. I was under the impression we would be talking business, fundraisers, and hip hop.
I was also hoping to see one of my best friend’s who now lives there.

So, on Saturday I got ready, packed my bag, and flew out of the Salt Lake valley to the Golden State of the West Coast.

I didn’t think anything of it when Mr. Ivvs picked me up and his cousin was driving. Rick was acting questionably towards me.
As if I was random – which I suppose I am.
As if I was there for illegal business – which I was not.
As if I was there to do dirty work – which, the only kind of dirty work I planned to do was wash the sweat off my body from the plane ride.

 

I’m lucky.

I’m lucky to have recognized all the warning signs that came after. (although I really should have been more aware to realize them before any trip was planned).
I’m lucky  to have had the strength to stand up to him.
I’m lucky I got out.

 

I couldn’t help but stop myself and hit my head. Because of the small choices I make and the life I lead, followed by the persistent thoughts of my wrecked past, I have literally created this moment all by myself. I have made this moment re-livable only so I could demonstrate the strength I wish I had years ago.

I have been thinking a lot about the lie I told, about strength, about courage, honesty, and bravery. I have been thinking about change and growth and life choices and how to make them healthier.

So, it’s only natural that my thoughts and actions have manifested into a life experience my gut has been urging me to conquer. Not only did I stick up for myself, to my predator, but I stuck up to every damageable choice I have made – every sick fear I’ve been holding onto – every unwanted, anticipated thought up occurrence.

 

 

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