Tag Archives: life

Deep Breathing Challenge, Day #14

It is Day 14 now: 

I am two weeks into my commitment to deep breathing for thirty full days. As you know, I took on this challenge to see if anything would positively impact my way of life. So far, I have yawned a whole bunch, my chronic hiccups have diminished, my Intercostals have been working out the knots in the muscles on their own, I have successfully gained control of my vocal pace, volume, thought output, and I have sweat a whole ton of toxins out of my body.

1. Sleeping

I would be lying if I said that I was good enough to consciously deep breathe while sleeping, and because I am already a vivid, tuned in, and lucid dreamer; I can’t really say that I am taking up awareness to my breathing depending on what I am dreaming about. I still twitch and move in my sleep, as well as make some weird faces. Sometimes I still wake up in a pool of sweat or my beau will hear me moaning and groaning like I’m having a deep conversation in my dreaming world, but what I have noticed about sleeping from my deep breathing is the length of time it takes me to go to sleep. It doesn’t take long. I have slept deep and thorough. Sometimes, too thorough to the point where I could and would spend all day sleeping if I didn’t have to get up for work and let me tell you, it feels soooo good when I wake up! Last night, I fell asleep watching a movie with Danny and woke up at 10:30pm telling him I was just preparing to take Zai out and feed her breakfast before I get ready for work. Realizing what time it really was, I was elated knowing that a) it was still nighttime and b) I could go back to sleep and finish enjoying the dream I had woken up from. The two hours I had slept had given me such deep and purified energy that I was ready for the day to begin, BEFORE IT EVEN HIT MIDNIGHT!! Everytime I fall asleep, I sleep deep. That’s not unusual for me. But the length of time it usually takes for me to fall asleep is almost an hour, if not more than that.

I have a weakness for insomnia. And when I am deep breathing all evening and after mindfully chewing my food and mindfully taking my dog out for her nighttime potty, I get to mindfully lay in bed and put my waking day to rest for seven hours of restful sleep.

2. Calm, Cool, and Collected

Now, before I get started – this isn’t to say that I don’t ever get mad about something I feel is an important conversation. Last Tuesday night, I lost my cool, completely. I was very passionate about my side of opinion on a touchy subject. I defended my end with no apologies. I cried a lot, and it took a couple days of almost complete silence, zero appetite for food, and no physical touching, for me to decide where exactly it was that I fit in this whole scheme of things. That being said, I unleashed every dark side of me. I had a “now or never” moment and knew that it was either then I would forgive every piece of my past, every mental and emotional fear I have, and everything I’ve ever held in; or I would sit with it forever, allowing the person I loved the most to never get a genuine chance to see why I lived the way I did and why certain things affect me as they do. The scariest part of being with someone is showing them every beautiful, whimsical, terrifying, ugly, wonderful, brave, and courageous piece of you.

Deep breathing has given me a chance prior and post that experience, to remain so calm, that Danny has asked me multiple times, if I am okay. Since I’m not talking fast and I’m not speaking loudly, and I’m not talking about every tiny insignificant detail on my mind, I am sitting with my thoughts (which, deep breath after another, seem to be little thanks to the natural filtering process my instincts have taken on). When I speak, it’s with the intention to have conversation or to communicate with meaning; instead of talking to hear the sound of my voice.

Being calm has given me a better understanding on the World and myself. Things that make shake my head that I have done in the past and hopeful reactions I will have in the future. My eyes have been opened to something so special. My life has been so full of loud noises, chaotic moments, for so long and it hasn’t been until these last 4 years of awakening and learning zen, peace, and meditation, that I have really honed myself in myself. 

Utilizing my newfound state of my mind, I am appreciating the observant side in myself. Talking less has given me the peace to be quiet. It has given me the respect and appreciation of what it means to be quiet. Not having an opinion on every bit of thing is freeing! I never knew it could be that way. Not sharing my experiences or memories when someone is trying to genuinely share something great about their lives is joyful and exciting and an eye opener. Realizing how rude I’ve probably been for so long. It’s enlightening and a beautiful change to accept from within. To listen is a beautiful gift. I don’t just know this now, but I truly appreciate this now. 
I hope you all have enjoyed my update for this week. Peace be with all of you!

Life As I Know It.

A calm life up in the mountainside is all I need to breathe easy. Serenity surrounding me as a sweet foundation to my ultimately up-and-on-the-go lifestyle. I spread the Word of Wellness around the World with business partners nationwide and internationally. I have an empire built on Massage Therapy/Skin Care  with clients who pay me by way of yearly contract only. I have small shops of different business ideas spread around the county. I spend my days massaging clients in a naturalistic setting and educating them about the importance of self-inspired health and a wellness lifestyle where freedom is infinite and happiness is abundant. My clients are dis-ease free and active. They are also turning 110 this year.

From the success of Phoenix Sun Massage, I have continued on to create a local Massage Supply store in a two-level building with a breakfast bar on the bottom, serving healthy breakfast and other food options with homemade ingredients that are fresh and sludge free. Serving the students and faculty of UCMT along with everyone welcome in Earth community. Ran by the top students of the school, to contribute to Work Study, because we all relate to the struggle of student financial life. Business is going great and our word of mouth advertising has brought us incredible, cultured, unique, and interesting individuals from all over the World. I am able to provide a comfortable employment for my employees. They are rewarded full medical and dental coverage through their schooling with discounts off store product, and an environment full of knowledge, respect, and teamwork to build a trusting foundation to last the days.

I work with the Utah Herding Breed Rescue and use my access of 7 acred-land to house foster dogs far enough into the East mountainside with the luxury of creating a backyard paradise of my custom design. By this time, I have made connections with animal societies and animal trainers from around the World by working with dogs, wolves, and horses.

When I am not doing something for my business or animal life, I am basking in my passions for writing and adventure. I keep a few different blog pages on my personal website and write about anything I want to. Mostly interesting stories, to help people take the time for a moment out of their day to sit still and let go. With my personal blog, I encourage the act to always stay on top and keep their head up. I show people what its like to have their imagination and passion back. To create the thing they’ve always wanted and live a life of their said reality. I do this by bringing awareness through my writing, examples, and intellectual approaches; as well as fun and easy-to-read articles that grab the attention of both wild teenager and aging senior citizen. My writing is real and unleashed from the common barracks of societal rules. I keep a music podcast and blog with special guests, ideas, and of course, the music itself. I strive to bring meaningful music of all and any genres out there who lives to speak of real things, real times, and real ideas.

I am respected and successful because of the confidence I hold in myself and my perception. I am a real woman who lives life, truly by the fullest of her passion. I am surrounded by love in many, various aspects. I keep close bonds with friends and family and often have events held at my house for holidays and social get-together’s. I hold my clients confidential, but through my clients, work as a connector to build upon the democracy and community lives, for the better.  I am a reputable contributor to making communities and businesses better for the economy, wellness, and safety of our neighbors, through a free-person-welcomed City Counsel of Salt Lake. With our team full of ideas and sifting out the good ideas from the bad, we are able to create non-biased and fact-full articles about the community and for the community and create change through individual awareness and action. I am one small voice that’s connected with the one large voice our county carries, who shares the credit of creating a truly remarkable way of living by combining ideas from the past, present, and future. We are noticed. And we are heard of. Together, we grow as a community, a state, and a nation. Our nation is coming back on top and gaining their United independence Rights back. People around the World are speaking up, creating, idolizing their lives to fit their happiness and safety priorities. War is down, although bickering remains content. We are in a time of change where the World is (slowly but surely) realizing working together in best frenemy-styled fashion, is going to give them the greater gain.

 

I am living the best life I have dreamed of all this and more. And I owe it all to the faculty and staff of the Utah College of Massage Therapy.

Hi again,

It’s one of those nights. Those nights to let it all go.
After a long day of thinking about my actions and life choices and seeing how they have come to effect my life now, I’m wiped out. Everyday, you do something, anything, and it moves you one step closer or one step further away from where you want to be.

Our problem is that we rarely stop to assess. Some of us have more awareness. Some of us truly believe we are aware people, and sometimes come to surprise even our self in the observations we have.

Let’s begin:

I haven’t been onto my website in a long, long time.
The worst part is, I have had so many great ideas on what to write about.
I used to just stop and write it out on my WordPress app on my phone, but now I am finding that I’m becoming more and more lazy about it. I am thinking about the idea of writing out a giant, long, detailed blog for so long that I actually end up getting overwhelmed and deciding to leave it alone completely, claiming that “I will just remember this topic and write it down when I get home.”
Really?
Who am I kidding?
I won’t remember. And even if I did, I wouldn’t do it.I’ve been exhausted for months.I have been living with two female roommates since the end of January, in downtown Salt Lake. It was fun for the most part. 

  • I got a dog at eight weeks old and have been juggling being with her, training her, playing with her – all things Zai.
  • I have been working a job that became more and more dissatisfying every day I went in for another shift.
  • I am going to a school where, besides my dog, is the only thing that keeps me sane all the time.
  • I have been in a six month relationship and have gone through the ups & down, in the end, enjoying every minute of it. I’m in love. I love another person’s soul. And I have loved his soul longer than I have loved him.

After all, isn’t that how I should feel about my other half? We connected on ways we’ve never connected with other people before.

And with Zai… I have never communicated with any animal the way I communicate with her. I think people forget to realize, more or less of the time, how much animals can understand. If you give them a chance, they will understand you. It’s a wonderful thing, mammal communication.

I quit my job yesterday. All the time we hear or read, on blog and motivational pieces, encouraging you to quit your job and take the risk of doing what makes you happy. And it really is great advice, except for the fact that sometimes, certain people are just sillier than others and quit without a) having a concrete backup and b) stacking those racks and really preparing for the time spent off track.
Oops! But what can you do? You can use that unpreparedness to your advantage and boost your motivation to fulfill a position that fits your current lifestyle exactly how you see fit.

I’ve taken my hiatus from blogging and reading, unexpectedly. It’s driven me nuts, and all along I have recognized the feeling of unbalanced energy in my life. I have to hit my forehead, bringing me back to reality, quite frequently, saying to myself, “Of course this is what’s missing! Why am I holding back? Why am I not writing? Why am I not engaging in the passion that drives my soul?”

 

Excuses.

It doesn’t make me a phony in how I carry myself, in any sense, however I have come to the comfortable realization that sometimes when you grow and progress so quickly in so many different ways, you forget about your foundation.
“forgetting where you came from phase.

It doesn’t make your person any better or worse, it just leads your core in a tornado across your entire thought process. It can be overwhelming or stressful and not only until you bring yourself back to center and remember where you are, how you got there, and where you want to be; will you make the necessary changes to pick up, regroup, and move forward in the best sane matter you know possible.

It’s not about doing it like anybody else, it’s about doing it the best way you know possible for the moment until you find the next big thing that will encourage, drive, and push you into the limits you never knew were available at hand.

That’s when the universe answers your call and decides you’re ready for the next big thing.

 

 

 

Dear Universe,
I don’t know if you know me as well as I know you. But I get you.
And I’m ready for you.

Yours Truly,
Z.

 

I pay my respects out of respect.

Sometimes

 

Sometimes, you just can’t let other people affect the decisions you want to make in life. Sometimes you have to remember that living your dreams, no matter how wild and crazy they are, does not mean you have to lose friendships. And people you surround yourself can either accept it or pretend you will always be there. Nobody ever said moving, exploring, or adventuring throughout one’s lifetime meant you had to become a stranger. I don’t want to spend my whole life living in the same city and doing the same thing for the rest of my life. I can do that when I have kids.

Sometimes, you have to live by yourself and move to different countries and get yourself in trouble and danger. You must always be aware and learn how to take care of yourself because sometimes, you won’t always have someone there to protect you. Sometimes though, you must be smarter than the average person and not invite the danger or trouble into your life. You must always remember to forgive someone if they are unable to protect you. It’s not their job in the first place. Sometimes, you just can’t rely on other people, and it would be selfish to hold grudges if and/or when they can’t come through.

Sometimes people can beg and plead with you to please be a certain way, but you must never change for them. You must only change when you if/when you want to and if/when you are ready. Sometimes people will give you life changing opportunities in the selfish hope that you will get your head out of the clouds and get a more stable life for yourself, but what is it worth if you are the adventurous type? What can they do if no matter how much they try, you will leave when you have an urge, have jobs at ungodly hours [and places for that matter], and be around some people who they just don’t like. Given that you remain a certain way, despite the ways you were raised and the choices you have made as you grew up, you must always hold respect for whoever you are around. Don’t ever think you are above someone because of the independence you may hold or the ways that you have set in stone. It’s never wise to battle with people who are like-minded as you are. That would be like slapping yourself in the face under a spotlight. Sometimes, you just have to swallow some pride, find a common ground, and roll with it.

Sometimes, after a long travel, you will come back to realize you just aren’t the same person. You have new hobbies and interests and are wondering who around you has the same thirst for something new. Sometimes people won’t accept it. Sometimes, they will make fun of the way you have become, because to them, it’s unrecognizable. Sometimes they won’t believe there is a change within you, but it’s not your duty to defend yourself, because in reality, you don’t have to answer to anybody if you choose not to. All you can be is who you are, regardless of how alike or different from the people you surround yourself with, there is a bond that should it be broken, was never a strong bond to start with. Sometimes these realities come and other times they don’t. Long travels are always a good way of defining the relationships you hold with others.
Sometimes people will just chuckle and shake their heads at you in complete ravelment as you say the things you say and do the things you do, and maybe sometimes you won’t be able to give them a reason for saying and doing it, but the important part is that you trust yourself. Because as long as you trust yourself, nothing in this world can stop you.

So be a fantast if you want. Be a realist. Be whatever you want to be. Do what makes you happy. Make the choices you make for yourself and nobody else. If you decide something, go in it with your full heart! Don’t look back. Keep moving forward and do whatever you have to, to accomplish the dreams you have. Nobody will ever look down upon who works hard to get what they want. Stick to your personality, don’t back down to other people. Don’t let yourself get intimidated. Don’t change for the moment or the people around you. BE YOURSELF.
Because sometimes, without dreams, we wouldn’t be where we are today; in this exact moment.

You Are What You Make It.

Standing inside Carrefour and waiting for Mindy to
finish checking out, I  find an
unusual
state of calmness.

With the Sounds of cash registers Beeping
& people chattering a language I don’t fully
understand,
I find my World coming to a s t a n d s t i l l.

Every single thing comes to a pause
& my view becomes s l o w m o t i o n .
I hear every word as it comes.
I define which beep belongs to which machine.

I feel invisible. I feel synchronized. I feel elapsed in time.
Like I don’t know if I am dreaming or not.

Am I high?
Sometimes, I just wanna be.
Sometimes it would make more sense if I were.
So for now, I’ll just take this moment.
THIS “HIGH LIFE” HIT.

The Weak Duckling

My boyfriend lives in an apartment complex with two large duck ponds. Extremely beautiful with islands and fountains and Grandmother Willow trees laying above, gently dropping the leaves off her branches and floating freely around the freely swimming, interacting ducks and geese.

Whenever I sleep at his house, I love waking up and taking all of the old bread we can find, and walking down to feed the ducks in the sunlight. To me, there is nothing more peaceful. It’s a true joy for me to watch as the ducks interact and swim and talk to each other. The way they communicate is like a playground of kindergarten students. Filled with rules and courtesy’s that adults cannot possibly understand.   I get lost when I watch this swimming community. I think to myself what they could possibly be saying and what they could possibly be laughing at with each other. There were these two that must have been playing tag, swimming and quacking and nipping each other in the butt feathers. Did you know ducks could play tag?

I could watch these ducks forever. I love everything about them. They influence my thinking to compare their actions and reactions to humans. How similar we handle conflict, games, and loved ones. How there are always more popular ducks swimming around us, more powerful ducks, weaker ducks. The only difference between us and ducks is that we are in a different form; a different species. Also, just happened to be more civilized.

However, today is unsurprisingly no different than the other mornings in comparing the ducks to the world I see myself. This day, as Devan and I walked from the smaller duck pond with the island in it, over to the larger duck pond with the giant fountain in it, I came across a silent duck.

This poor ducky was just standing on the top rock in the grass, opening its mouth and trying to scream. He kept trying and was mustering up all of the power in his tiny duck body and non-stop pouring everything he had into his vocal cords. Nothing came out. I could feel his pain. I could feel the duck’s frustration and sadness. “Why can’t I make noise?? Why can’t I scream?? Where is my voice?! Why isn’t this working?!?!” I could only imagine the things he was thinking to himself.
I was frozen and just staring at this duck. It didn’t even flinch the closer I got. It wouldn’t eat the bread I was offering. I could have picked it up, it barely moved when I would touch its back and feel the feathers. I couldn’t help but frown in sadness at this lonely body. Devan warned me the other ducks would probably kill it. Surely, but slowly, the small duck found the water and jumped in the pond. Next to the geese and the other ducks. Not even five minutes in the water and two other ducks nipped the silent one in the neck! They reached around and bit him! He kept opening his mouth, watching and feeling the NOTHINGNESS come out and ALL the ducks surrounding him were looking confused! They were probably thinking, “Who is this impostor? Fake duck! Not real! Can’t even quack! Is this real??”

“Ashlyn, that’s just how it is. That’s a weak duck. The other ducks will bite it and it will probably die. Don’t be sad. It’s the circle of life. Weak things don’t survive in the wild. That’s life.” Devan just seemed such a man about it. I’m just a girl. I name animals and inanimate objects like cars, purses, and shoes. I put emotion into everything that comes out of my mouth.

So as we walked away, I started thinking about the situation and the ducks and life and how it connects to me and why I was thinking about it so much. It had to click eventually. Which it did. Just now. I realized, just like the duck, without a voice, WE WILL DIE. We will lose so many luxuries. Without a voice, we allow others to pick on us and control us and everything we do. Silence IS the enemy! The strongest ducks in the pond had the loudest quack and the ability to control the situations.
Now, don’t be loud, because that could just cause you to sound obnoxious. But be HEARD. Be SMART. Be daring. Say what is on your mind. Speak your thoughts! Bring them to life! Share your ideas and FEAR NOTHING! 

 

Lose your voice and you too, shall end up like the weak duckling in the pond that was just too big for him.

The Change Waves of Life:

Current Location: The Playboy coffee table.
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: Northstar – Ice Factory

First off, I am probably going to sound like a hypocrite during this topic. I have no intention to. The concept of change is on my mind today.
My best friend is growing a conscious finally.
My other friend has an intention to change but has no action at all, she just likes the thought of it.
One of my best friends is letting her life being taken over by drugs, and it’s the most unfortunate change I have ever seen in my life.
My mother, bless her heart, has been working so hard to change, and it has paid off by her getting a new job that is double her current salary; which helps her out tremendously.

Four different stages of change.

The best friend has done stuff that would make people’s jaws drop. But she has kept the conscious of a little kid, which in a way is extremely beautiful. She doesn’t get bad karma because she never cared. She never thought twice. I have been watching her world slowly unravel as she has opened up to me about wanting to be more mature, smarter, and do something with her time besides party and do drugs until the wee hours of the morning. I am extremely proud of her and commend her for her success and failures. After all, you can’t have success without failure. She is probably one of the most amazing women I have ever had the blessing to meet in this lifetime and in many ways, has been both my inspiration and motivation to become who I am today. She is strong, yet, sub consciously doesn’t believe in her ability to change on her own. It has taken months of watching me, to push her into her own mind, telling herself, “I can do this”. I can feel her spirit trying and doing. I can almost touch her determination. She still inspires me everyday to be great alongside with her. I am happy we are back on the same page and more comfortable now that we know depths of each other better than we know ourselves. We have everything ourselves that the other doesn’t. She is the yin to my yang.

I am feeling frustrated with my other friend and I feel bad that I do. I know how hard it is to motivate yourself and to stay on the track that is right for me. I think the only reason I am feeling frustrated is because she saw how hard I worked and now she comes to me to confide her stress and emotions. She asks me for advice about everything and I am always more than happy to give it to her. The thing I get frustrated on is when she doesn’t take it. I feel like it’s a slap in my face. Like she took a bag full of my genuine time and energy and threw it in the trash. It’s almost like she is put to a test by the higher being…… Not even an hour after every heartfelt conversation and her reassurance that, “Damnit! I am going to stay clean and be temple worthy! I really want to be temple worthy!” Someone asks her to either buy drugs, buy alcohol, or if she wants to get obliterated. And she always does. She gives me a look as if to say, “oh, you meant change now? I know I said I would, but I’m not strong enough to say no. I’m so sorry….” I would rather her just be confident enough to say, “yeah I wanna change, but I know I’m not ready to.” And I would never have an objection. It is okay to be a late bloomer, friend. Just because everyone around is changing, doesn’t mean you should feel forced to. Not only will it slow your progression, but you will be innocently digging yourself a deep hole. Change doesn’t come instantly, my friend. It takes patience and time and more importantly, EFFORT. I know you have it in you, but you need to know it too, or you will never find your happiness. I pray moving back to McCall, Idaho helps you and shows you how great you are. I wish you could see it.

One of my other best friends is slowly losing her soul to cocaine. Yes, for anyone who has ever done it, knows it’s a great time. It’s the drug from Planet Awesome. We get it. But when is it destruction? It’s a beauty on the outside. It looks like everyone is having a fun time, and indeed they are. Trust you me. But it is now changing one of my closest friends to the point where I can’t even look at her in the eyes anymore because I can’t find her soul. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, well…. where is it?! This is the girl who inspired me to WANT to go back to school. To WANT to be successful. She paid her off her college loans within the first six months she graduated from Massage Therapy School. This girl just bought a freaking 2011 Chevy Camaro and only works four days a week. She is beautiful, hilarious, and is the best shoulder to cry on. She is now late on her rent because she would rather by an 8ball. Her diet includes coke, beer, liquor, hot pockets, white wine, and the occasional fruit or vegetable. She is obliterated everywhere she goes. She has turned to calling me lame, stupid, dumb, party pooper, and any other loner label in relation because I choose to not do it with her. One year ago exactly we were in the opposite positions. She saw how the drug and alcohol lifestyle took over my personality, responsibility, and shine. She saw the friendships it tore apart and saw the road bumps a mile away. It’s my chance to show her and help her, and she just refuses. I have seen this change and it now aches and breaks my heart. How do you help someone who has changed for the worse? How do you get them to care again? No one around her is sober enough to tell her she is digging a trench in the middle of the bridge. Eventually, she is going to fall through.

My mom, despite her craziness, gives me hope for the future. I have seen this lady in the past year go through suicidal depression, medication, therapy, tears, hair pulling, and a state of lonely that makes the wrinkles on your forehead permanent. She is worked harder than anyone I know to get better. Today, she is smiling like she doesn’t know what frowning is. She laughs like she has never heard anything funnier. She sticks to her views and still gives me the chance to express mine. She has gotten her social life back and has been offered a job doubling her salary. Her whole life, all she has wanted was to be available to her kids as much as possible and buy a house on an island. Next year she will be building a house with enough rooms and a yard big enough for the whole family. She will be getting a house down on the San Jose island of Costa Rica! She will have every bill paid off. She has found security within herself and realizes she doesn’t need a male’s attention to feel pretty. She is powerful and beautiful and still the hero of my time. This wouldn’t be the first time I have praised her for her success and struggle (the first time would be for my 4th grade paper on who my hero was and why). She encourages me when I feel like giving up. She picks me up when I get scrapes on my knee. She is the icon of change and evolution. She is a prime example of why the rest of everyone in the world can change and succeed. I feel truly blessed to be half of what she is. This is the kind of change that makes me shake my head in respect and appreciation.