Tag Archives: inner self

Tonight, the Universe means business.

I’m having revelation after revelation it seems since starting my last term at school in August. The middle three and fourth terms you really do get burned out. At least for our criteria. We are the graduating class EM1012. We are the fearless class who spoke up and spoke loud and have made an impact that will forever last on the school. We push the limits and we don’t rest until our questions are answered in full satisfaction. With study groups and encouragement, we come together as a funny lookin family and we make sure to succeed as a union. We are fighters and comrades, forever raising our hand to join in the discussion of health, anatomy, and all things moving energy.

SER: Somato-Emotional Release: A therapeutic process that helps rid the mind and body of residual effects of past trauma associated with negative experiences.

 

I think my problem is that I have just taken a fake affect on everything in life. For some reason, the visual aspect of my life is bursting through the 3 Dimensional seams and I can’t help but notice the intentions set inside everybody I come in contact with. The past comes back. Our pasts. Am I crazy for voicing this? Maybe to some. This is bigger than I am and more than what I am ready to learn. There is a power burrowing inside of me, waiting to come out and shout “I SEE YOU!” to the World, drawing the bold line between looking and seeing. This however is just a sliver. This is the opportune moment between me and the Divine that says “I will give you the information you need to succeed, but first, you must confront and make amends with your demons. Because no Angel flies when bounded by darkness.”

I have started the releasing process fully in August, and although I graduate from school in October, I suspect I won’t be done for a long time until I get to where I need to be to continue my spiritual journey. I have cried more in the last few weeks than I have I think in my entire life. I have never felt more at growing peace with myself and never felt lighter within my own spirit.

I have successfully been coming face to face with the skeletons of my closet that I didn’t even know were in there. You hear all the time that nobody has fears. “Oh, I’ve seen everything!” they shout, “I have no fears! ! There is nothing to fear in this World because man can do everything. We are forces able to connect with any flowing thing..”, and though that may be true, we can’t do everything all of the time and take on a Superwoman act without rest, without time alone. Burnt out and stressed out. Overloaded and unhappy. Rage and Creepy auras. Vasodialated and heated up with blood flowing. Exchanging energy to sustain the goal in mind. Which is to write! Write however it comes out, because sometimes this feels so much better then crying. Sometimes I just don’t have it in me. I feel horrible because Todd always thinks it’s just about him and like he is the only thing. But he really doesn’t know about any other of my other stresses. I mainly don’t tell him my stresses or bad news. I don’t want him to stress out about me. I stress him out enough, he says. I feel like an ugly person. Inside and out, ironically! Hahahaha!  I have always wondered if that happens commonly or not. Well, I do.

I am sitting in the bedroom while he is out on the couch. I feel like he thinks these are moments where he can’t do anything. And it sucks, because I don’t know how to show him that I don’t care what he does in his personal life without him thinking that I’m being cynical or careless. Because, I have a sick tendancy to be careless when it comes to him. But why should I care and continue to exert energy for someone who repeatedly disregards my own being?  I say all sorts of things with my imaginative mind. I just let it flow out, as if I’m opening my sub-concious, Of course, I strive to open to my Pituitary Gland. I have been realizing what parts of me I have been neglecting, and the Pituitary Gland is the all mighty. The connection to Third Eye.

I feel like I can’t even control the eyes I have now. I have a problem looking in the center of everything. As I’m typing, I am actually focusing directly in front of me. I’m losing a bit of my sense of time although I still know what’s going on in my home. The computer with the music playing is slowing making its way towards me and the harmonies bear in the meditation.

Bathroom Break.

 

 

Coffee For Thought

 

Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
21:39
Loft Cafe Corner

I’m sitting here with Zai and less than ten minutes within being inside the Loft Cafe, an Asian man started talking to me, because of the sight of Zai. She’s always the best conversation starter in the public eye. Just like me, she is social by nature. It’s natural for her to please the audience and slide by with her wagging tail, but she really just likes to chill out at home and play with her friends. That’s also my favorite thing in the World. Big social events don’t really mean much to me, but if I end up attending, I make the best occasion out of it.
I always wonder why strangers choose me to talk to. Is there something frank about my features? What am I doing that is standing out from the others?

I’m sitting here listening to the Spanish and it’s one of the most appetizing languages of my choice. I can smell the quesadillas and see the girls across the room from me, sitting on the couch, sharing a plate of food. Their makeup is done, hair is done, and their nails are painted. Their lip gloss is fresh and smiles sneer. Something about our energy transfer isn’t quite right. But we can’t win them all, right?
I prepared dinner for Todd and I tonight before we went on a date to a movie. I say prepare, because I didn’t actually cook it. I need time to prepare. I need time to think and create a good meal. I get too frazzled with I am trying to do it last minute. I didn’t necessarily not have enough time to cook something, but everything in the cooked section at Harmon’s was just what I wanted to make! And more! Instead I beef, I said, “Fuck the beef! I’m goin with the grilled salmon.”
I lied to him anyway and told him I made the crunchy chicken salad and the baked cubed potatoes with oregano peppered over them. I told him though that I bought the salmon, cause, let’s face it, I don’t even know how to grill a pineapple. That’s not to say I wouldn’t know what to do, I’ve just never done it before.

I didn’t get the job at Sally’s today. I thought for sure I would get it being Bellamy’s friend. I would have got the job if I could work Sundays. I could always change my Clinic shift if I needed to. Sometimes that’s what you have to do in life. Move things around.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, I think we just got the moral of the story!
Life is about moving things around.
Change.

 

And as a breed of the American society, I am inconvenienced by change just as much as the next person. Admittedly, I like to have just a little bit more time with my current state of lifestyle at times. It’s always when things just get going perfect in your realm of reality that change comes upon you and embraces you with challenge.

I am not that high anymore, and realizing I definitely should have brought a sweater. This air conditioner is ballsing ass cold. At one point, when I have decided I’ve had enough of the cold air, I will leave. I just pretend the cold air isn’t real. I highly admire the Iceman on the Discovery Channel. If I could monk it out in Tibet for a couple years and control my breathing the way he controls every neurotransmitter coursing through his body.
The best thing I like to do is pretend I’m under the Sun. Soaking up the Vitamin D with the flares close enough to give me a good golden brown color. And then I like to tell myself that I’m not in fact cold, just the air is. And I know that if I focus on the sensory neurons, I can actually tell my brain that it’s not cold at all. And right now, the air is lukewarm.
The air is lukewarm.
The air is lukewarm.
The air is lukewarm.
The air is lukewarm.
The air is lukewarm.

My goose bumps are gone.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the way I feel connected to the Universe. Things seem to unravel rather quickly after I think them. I am a slow learner because I am really good at justifications, so by disregarding a situation or experience, I think it, I get it. But like I’ve been saying for years “I see it, I like it, I want it, I get it.” I just think it’s the wrong way of the expression. I think I can only juggle so many different things at once and I haven’t found myself a cap off yet. And once I cap it off or give myself a limit is when I will actually see more of the good and more of the opportunities. My problem is that I have given so much opportunity my whole life, I can’t really spot the good or bad anymore. It’s all one in the same to me. I should be able to read the two more blatantly and it does come as a disappointment that I’m not better at Compare and Contrast. I learned it enough times throughout school that I should have a more accurate callout. I guess I was sleeping that class.

It’s getting to that time where I feel like I need to leave and go back home. I think I have heard enough of the words “laptop” “Chinese” “girl” “this cost as much as her laptop” I feel like these girls are being totally snarky and annoying. The only thing I keep wondering about this particular group of people is What is the age difference here?
My coffee is almost done.
That is when I will pack everything up and leave.
I haven’t had the chance to decide how I feel about this place yet. Right now I’m not getting a very good impression, but maybe I am being the weird and quiet one. I tend to do that in public places alone. I admit gracefully, I can be somewhat of a creep. Maybe I just have that vibe, who knows.

Zai is falling asleep, that’s a good sign. Bed will be so comfortable tonight.

Speaking of bed….. it’s becoming too comfortable. I have a tendency to stay in it longer than I should. Unemployment? Slacker? Malaise? Too much pampering? I gotta stop that. Just to get myself up in the mornings, until I get a job, is to set a specific time alarm and have a to-do list to do each day.

Oh my god!

I have been thinking of challenges to do for a new thirty day challenge, and I believe I have just found it.

Hello new 30-day Challenge. Waking up at the same time everyday. Next mission: get the specifics. I will document the challenge throughout. Hopefully this will clear up some of the static that’s been in my head.

 

 

Readyyyyyyyyyyyy, BREAK!