Tag Archives: depression

Regaining my life in new territory.

I was becoming exhausted just being in my own body. Another suffering cause was the fact that I hadn’t been giving attention to my hobbies due to the change in my life. Moving here had turned my world upside down. I started to feel suffocated in my own house, trapped by my chores, agonizing over the memories I missed so much from back home. It was tearing me apart. I looked at myself like a quitter. Giving up on my routine and my hobbies of gardening, belly dancing, kundalini yoga sessions, dog parks, making a big breakfast every morning, going to crystal shops, hiking, going to church, etc. I had stopped doing it because I didn’t know where any such places were. I was accepting the fact that the Towne Park a mile away was enough to suffice, because the few dog parks Danny and I did check out, the dogs were all aggressive. Giving up on hiking, realizing that this isn’t Utah, this is the woods. Giving up on gardening because I no longer had a yard to do it in and overestimated the cost for indoor plants. Giving up on yoga because the classes here were just so expensive. I had succumbed to my own mental prison and wide range of excuses. Work and dog walks is all I will be doing here,  I thought, trying to hold back my tears. I just kept breathing and praying for something to change. Please, anything to get me back to a state of well-being, I begged. When you stop doing what you love, you stop being the person you are and you allow yourself to lose your spirit, it not only affects yourself, but everyone around you. I started feeling sad, depressed, and irritable, out of the unhappiness I had felt within myself.

On a day like many others, I was cleaning our house and sleeping the floors and organizing the DVDs on the shelf and that’s when I saw it: The yoga DVD I had bought at a pawn shop last Autumn! I stared in disbelief as tears of relief swelled up in my eyes. It was when I stopped looking so hard and so desperately, that it came to me at the right time. The next day, I met a neighbor who lives 1,000 feet away from me. Cristyn’s dog is the same breed as Zai and six months older. They run, they play, and I had found comfort in someone with a very similar lifestyle to my own. A holistic yoga instructor with a Masters in Sports Psyche raised by a homeopathic, animal loving massage therapist. My soul was fed. The bond was cemented and a friendship was born.

One week after that, I go across the street to get Danny some slices of pizza to have ready for his return after a 12 hour day of work. The same manager who was working is the same fellow with whom Danny and I are acquainted with there. Making small talk with Kade, I tell him about the beach in Stamford and he recommends a secluded and quiet beach in Norwalk for me to try. I say, it’s expensive, but I’m sure one day on a special occasion, it will be perfect. He knows Zai, and throws in a few other recommendations. Stone Hill Road, off route 137 and 124 has a dog park that is a wooded trail. It’s quiet and in nature. There are creeks and it’s off leash, he says. And as an added bonus, tells me about Ward Pound Ridge Reservation, not even 10 minutes from my house! It’s a 5,000 acre piece of land where people take their dogs, horses, and go just to enjoy nature. Sometimes there are workout classes there or meditation classes. You can even go camping! Lakes and ponds everywhere. Lots and lots of hiking too. Maybe not like in Utah, but you can certainly venture there, he adds.

My salvation was returning and my depression was diminishing. 

I have accepted the fact, that I may not find a belly dancing class here for a while, but why should that stop me from belly dancing in the comfort of my own home? The same day I went to the Stone Hill Road dog park is the same day I stopped at the library and got a library card. One week ago, Danny bought me house plant. I am not just gardening again, but building upon my happiness that is growing and connecting to Earthly life inside the comfort of a home that has no outside options.

I have met four neighborhood dogs, with amazing owners who I now walk with everyday and our dogs play together. Amazing women of all ages.

My spirits are up and my mood swings are down. My happiness is much and my depression, very little. I have a hunger to do things now. I clung to Danny when I had nothing of my own and it had put a strain and pressure on our relationship that neither of us could escape. I was dependent on him to give me what my hobbies had given me. I didn’t know who was happier when these past few weeks have filled my life with my answered prayers! The strain has been lifted. Being with each other is a choice everyday that we make and it’s enjoyable to make it now. I no longer feel guilty for clinging to him for comfort and a way to be alive. He’s happy for me that I have regained my own life I once had. The life that he loved seeing me have, a free woman who flies by what drives her and interests that she puts her heart into, he says. That’s what made his eyes unable to be taken off of me.

My days are much different now. Filled with moments of care-taking and soul work. Ego releases and breath of fires consume me as I sway around my house cooking and cleaning and running with Zai, falling onto my yoga mat and exercising until I am swimming in sweat to then relax and read whether in my home or at the beach, taking the time to paint my nails and sugar scrub my body and research and write and smile and kiss the Sun every morning that I wake, with a profound sense of fulfillment that must be worked for in life.

I am happy and I am free from my mind’s solitary imprisonment.


 

It’s hard to move to a new place and feel like you’re losing your sense of routine and then feel helpless and succumb to the overwhelming sadness that fills the void. What makes us happy is just too damn important to disregard or make ourselves believe we can live without it. No matter what it is we love, we do it for a reason. It will take a moment to make a new life in a new place and to figure out where your hobbies and craft fit into the schedule of the new environment. It will take a moment to hunt down the places you love going to and finding replacements for the ones you miss.

Moving and rearranging your schedule, routine, and timing for things when you uproot and move to a new place are inevitable. But if it’s an event you think you might ever do, it’s best to prepare for it. Unlike myself, I figured I wouldn’t have a hard time with coping. And assuming that, was my biggest error.

So, first step: Prepare (even if you end up being fine)
Consider what will be different for a bit and what will be the same. Research ahead of time, nearby places that you like to go to and map out areas you will be in a lot. Develop a sense of time that you will spend driving or doing things in your new area.

Second step: Confide in somebody you can trust and be comfortable with. Let them know if you feel like there is something missing and it’s hard for you to sort out your emotions on your own, because, sometimes it is. It’s a time where we can become confused and disoriented.

Third step: Make a plan for the future on what your days will look like at best. Fill in the blank areas with that of which you love doing. Make it realistic and make it count. Don’t wait like I did and struggle with heavy emotions and irrational thoughts. The more you prepare for, the less will surprise you if it happens and the calmer you will be in dealing with it.

You will remain happy, because you did.

 

Money VS Meaning

Let me just give it you frank:


Being disrespected by an employer for the sake of receiving a paycheck, is comparable to staying in an abusive relationship out of the fear of being alone.


There comes a moment in everyone’s lives, when you have to put your foot down and say, “I am not okay with being treated like this!” followed by walking away from the situation. Carrying your dignity in one hand and self honor in the other.

 

I quit my job yesterday. What I did, was what I love. Working with animals is part of my purpose. It’s what makes me happy among the other passions in my life I hold. Who I did it for, was not what I loved. Allowing somebody to mistreat you is telling yourself that you deserve to be treated that way. Allowing somebody to call you names for no reason, insult your personality, and abuse your loyalty is telling yourself that you don’t matter.

Granted, even our dream job will haves waves of turmoil or frustrations through the moments of sunshine. Every job gives you an opportunity to ask yourself, “Is this turmoil worth it all?” If the answer is yes, congratulations! You’re right where you need to be in your journey. If the answer is no, you may want to start looking up new employment that will give you equal income sustainability, if not more; and shiploads more happiness.

It’s okay to stick up for yourself, no matter who it is speaking to you in a way that you don’t like. It’s okay to set boundaries of respect and tell your boss or owner of the company, “You know, that’s not okay with me. Please don’t speak to me in that way. That’s a line crosser for me” Warning once is good. It shows that you know where you stand with yourself and you are unafraid to stand your ground. Believe it or not, people in authority like this characteristics among their staff. It shows them that they have strong-willed staff. Some employers become threatened by a strong personality, and if that’s the case, what are you doing working for someone who isn’t secure within themselves? Respect by way of Fear is not how you and a team gain success. It’s not okay to deplete your own body to the point of exhaustion for someone else’s personal goals over your own. It’s not okay to diminish your own core morals and beliefs so someone else can rise and you stay in the same place, if you’re lucky. And it is not okay to be treated outside of being a human being by another, regardless of it being your boss; even if that boss is family.

 

Making an income is extremely important and most of the time, we have our best interest at heart when we say “I am going to work here until I can go to _______”. Well, now you’ve been in the same position for over five years and you work with people you dislike and your boss treats you like crud. And while you’re sitting in your workplace, working to live, daydreaming about what you could be doing for work, about what you want to invent, about what you truly would rather be doing right now. Feel your heartbeat. Notice your happiness levels? You can feel like that every single day and make your daydream a reality by working on it, one step at a time. Fifteen minutes go by, and your boss’ presence snaps you back into reality. You shake your head and tell yourself “I don’t even know why I’m bothering. But one day, I will get out of here.”
I just have one question for you.


 

EXACTLY WHEN, were you going to believe in your dream again?


That’s the issue we’re facing globally. Fighting about hierarchies of class, money, and power. Saying “I can’t do this because I don’t make enough. (even though I work over 60 hours a week, and that’s including overtime).” Telling yourself that it’s too risky to quit your job and get started on your dream. Reminding yourself of all the ways your dream will probably fail. And worst of all, listening to the people who don’t even believe in you!

Excuse my French, but what kind of crap is that? 

Every employer needs employees; that goes without saying. If you choose to settle for anything less than your dream, I hope to God that you’re at least passionate about what you do.

Take for example, The Office, on TV. They live, love, and fight like a family. They’ve all worked together for so long that they remain employed because it’s comfortable, regardless of their everyday surroundings. It pays the bills. It’s consistent. Plus, Michael Scott is a pretty hilarious boss, although entirely irresponsible and a possible reason for high blood pressure. But, how many of them do you see get excited when they tell the camera man that they’re going to probably work for Dunder Mifflin Paper Company forever? One. Dwight K. Schrute. He loves paper. He loves sales. Other than Schrute’s Family Beet Farm, he lives to sell paper to his clients. He does anything for his boss and for his company because his heart is in it. Everyone else will end up miserable, but Dwight has so much passion and purpose for the paper industry, that Jim’s pranks are nearly flies across the windshield to him. They won’t ever be a big enough to quit.

How many of you see yourselves as Toby’s? Your boss has a blatant distaste for you and makes sure you know that every single day. Your boss takes you for granted and harasses you, belittles you from clock in to clock out, and lives to embarrass you and give you a hard time. You do nothing on the outside. Your insides boil up with every glare and every comment. WHY ARE YOU STILL WORKING THERE? Do you really believe you have no other option? THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER OPTION.

How many of you are Angelia’s? You go to work everyday hating everybody you work with so much that you don’t care what you say to them. You’re rude and it doesn’t ruin your sleeping habits. You have a yearning to bond with the people of your workplace because they’re not your cats, but you’re just not willing to accept that other people believe in different things than you. At least cats can’t really disagree with you. Nobody cares to be around you, because your unpredictable moods have produced a warning sign across your forehead.

Whether you’re the person who is bullied at work, or you’re the person bullying; those are gianormous signs that you are not in the right place of employment. You can do so much better for yourself and you can make such a better impact on this World.


Nobody’s purpose is to develop depression, anxiety, and self-loathing by working for a person or a company that does not serve you respect or happiness. Whether you chase your dreams or settle, always know and believe that not one person in this World is meant to dread their work. 


Questions:

  • What kind of attitude do you bring with you to work?
  • Does your attitude help you or hurt you on your journey to success?
  • Is your attitude and journey taking you to where you want to be?
  • Do you feel respected at your job?
  • Is where you are right now with your employment a job or a career?
  • If it’s a career, are you still passionate about it?
  • Have you established yourself among a healthy environment that pushes each other to be the best you can be?
  • If it’s a job, is it still giving you want you wanted?
  • Is it still a stepping stone towards your dream?
  • Have you been using your downtime to work on what it is you wish to create?
  • Why are you still waiting? Why are you still putting it off?
  • If you are miserable, how many times have you had the discussion with yourself?
  • If you’re miserable, why aren’t you doing anything about it? 


WE SPEND A THIRD OF OUR LIVES ASLEEP, A THIRD OF OUR LIVES WORKING, AND A THIRD OF OUR LIVES JUST BEING.

So get yourself one hell of a mattress, one hell of a work placement, and always bask in the moment. 


I wish you all, the utmost happiness in your lives.