Tag Archives: beautiful

What It Means to Love Thy Body.

I moved to New York February 3rd. My plane landed in the afternoon and my sweet sweet boyfriend, Danny, had me picked up by a driver and I met him at his work by the time he was off. I hadn’t seen him since January 2nd and I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest at the first sight of him. Could it be?! Danny in person! Not Face-time, not Skype. Person. Real life. When you date long distance, the feeling you get of seeing your significant other in real life is so surreal, you have to literally question yourself if you are dreaming or not. My World was spinning in all the best ways that day.

We hugged for what seemed like, ever. We kissed passionately. And we drove home and talked and he let me gawk at the views out the windows. To him, it was already “the norm” and to me, it was no Wasatch Mountain Range of Utah, but nonetheless, trees EVERYWHERE from the location the highways running through the woods. Snow capped land with enough snow to pack inside the Big Cottonwood Canyon and shred down fresh powder for weeks.

It never occurred to me then that my insides were in the middle of turmoil.

We stopped at Trader Joe’s on our way home and loaded up on groceries. That cutie pie had stocked our pantry previously with all the foods I loved so much to my surprise. He would be leaving in two days and seeing as how I wasn’t yet employed, the only money I had was what was already in my account and he didn’t want me to worry about not having money to buy food while he was in Manchester, UK for work for the ten day pre-season trip.

We went home by the evening and unpacked my luggage and he was giving me a tour of the apartment. Our cute one bedroom, hardwood floor apartment with checkered bathroom and a bedroom with broken ventilation. To me, I thought “this is romance.” The story of lovebirds living in New York in a shitty first apartment with a living room that has no electricity and no heat in the bedroom. The lights and heat worked everywhere else and I imagined us going through this year lease together learning how to fix up the apartment ourselves. New York is expensive to rent in and for the price you pay, it’s surprising how much you get. Like the small shelled bugs that periodically are caught roaming in our house. But it’s our home and that’s what makes it special. It’s our first place together and it’s the place that will upset us and let us down when something breaks and it will be up to us to not let it get the best of us because it’s our first place together and it will be the place that tests our teamwork. Because we are a team. Working hand in hand.

I love the apartment no matter what it’s like. I love the person I see standing across from me in the kitchen dipping his Chewy Chips Ahoy into a glass of Organic Whole Milk. I love that the next evening I get to drive to JFK airport and pick up my most beloved dog and together we will be the Campbell-Laroche household. I love the bitter cold weather of the snow and the way it freezes my fingertips and toes and makes me feel as if my nose will be frost bitten with each deep inhale. I love our tiny town that is one mile long and supplied with just about everything I need a town to have. I love the accent of our Albanian neighbors and the smell of Mary’s Greek food that she cooks everyday. I love that we are the only two apartments in this building above shops and I absolutely love the narrow winding roads that go in and out of the woods along the Connecticut/New York State Lines.

Love, love, love, is what I’m getting at here.
I am telling you everything I love about everything but the most important thing connected to me. And me being my soul. Because I am a soul. My body is my vessel. My body is not me. It is my armor. I never mentioned anything about loving it.

Danny and I finish dinner. We go and lay down in the bed and he puts on a movie. I am curled up awkwardly and thirty minutes go by and suddenly…. I can’t breathe.
With every fiber of my being I CANNOT BREATHE. I began to panic and Danny’s eyes open up wide in terror as he begs me, “Ash what’s wrong??? What’s happening??” I’m gripping my lower abdomen and crying my eyes out telling him I have no idea what’s going on. I can’t stand up straight. It feels like knives and needles are stabbing me and gutting open my insides. Talons are wrenching open every muscle fiber and every connective tissue that is supposed to protect my insides. My uterus is cramping so hard; I have never felt this pain before. I am inexperienced with menstrual cramps because I can count on less than one full hand the amount of times I have had menstrual cramps. And when I have experienced menstrual cramps, all it took was a banana and a 30 minute nap on my stomach to relieve the irritation of the unnecessary process of my monthly due. This was an omen. This was something so foreign and unnatural, I felt like I was releasing something evil through the work of Exorcism that Jayme and I had preformed on people. Their violent screams and gritting teeth. I was feeling this pain.

Danny told me he was taking me to the hospital and I immediately objected. I figured, “Whatever this is, I will sleep this off. Please just get me a hot towel and help me lie down on my back.” He got me what I asked for and told me that I can’t use a home remedy for something that I have never experienced before. Given, that I beg to differ, as I study natural medicine and home remedies for everything, I knew he was right. I had NO idea what was happening and my body was sweating profusely, my adrenaline was pumping. I couldn’t be still long enough to listen to my body. Danny set the timer on his phone for five minutes and I compromised with him that at the end of five minutes, if my pain wasn’t lessened, he was taking me to the Emergency Room.

All I could think about was trying to get my breath slower so I wouldn’t have to go to the hospital on my first night moving to New York. I didn’t know what to think. I knew I would refuse medicine if they tried to give it to me. I didn’t want any drugs in my body and I certainly didn’t want to spend the night in the hospital. And my mom. Last thing I needed was to have my mom stressing out that her youngest daughter, who is prone to developing the most odd of injuries always coming out of thin air that are rare and damaging, be in a hospital in New York her first night moving to New York.

Five minutes was up.

I tried my best to smile and tell Danny my pain was better. He told me to get off the bed. I rolled my eyes and reluctantly started to move. It didn’t take but a couple of seconds before I was clenching my jaw so tight to keep from screaming in pain. Emergency Room is was. I gave in the towel and grabbed my insurance card and he hauled me to the car and we drove to the Northern Westchester Hospital Emergency Room.

A nurse awakened me in the waiting room and walked me back to the room. It was no dream….. I was really there. Danny looked sad from not being able to know what to do to help my pain. I looked at him with sad eyes, feeling like a burden because of my pain. I was wheeled off to another wing of the hospital to get scanned; finding out the omen was a ruptured cyst.

A ruptured cyst.

I couldn’t believe my ears. Or my eyes, when I looked at the ultrasound images in the small dark room, with a very comforting and friendly nurse who I could tell was probably a phenomenal and adorable grandmother to some kids out there in the World. She explained to me that the black blob was free floating fluid outside of my uterus. It would take a few days, maybe a week, for it to exit my body entirely. She was unable to give me a gauge of what my pain would be like, if any.

I just sat..stunned. Flashbacks of horrific memories began flooding my mind and in my heart of hearts, I knew how I had developed this cyst. Given the duration of time, it only makes sense that it would have to burst at some point in time. It made sense to me how it developed. And I couldn’t help but shake my head in deep, deep sorrow as I cursed myself for not realizing what the pain all those months and almost a year before was. For never getting it checked out. I assumed it was one thing entirely natural and instead, it was indeed, the cyst itself, forming and gathering particles until it ceased to grow anymore until there was no other way out other than explosion.

I accepted the news.
They discharged me and told me I could buy Motrin for pain if I felt like I needed it. Otherwise, I should take it easy and avoid vigorous workouts.

When Danny left for Manchester the morning of the 5th, I cried and cried and cried.
I went to the bathroom and held my stomach and looked in the mirror.

And that’s when I realized…..

I had forgotten to truly love my body.

I had spent so much time, for YEARS, including that day, gawking at everyone and everything around me and above me. I expressed love for people, places, and things. I expressed love to myself but never, not once, did I take the consideration to express love; real love; to my vessel. My mortal packaging of bones, tissues, veins, muscles, and organs. My beating heart that worked hard day in and day out to provide the clean blood to pump through my body and feed every square millimeter of my body.

I held my abdomen as I looked into my eyes in the mirror and cried and told my body “I am so sorry for the pain I have caused you over the years. For the impurities I have allowed to soak you down in and the beatings I allowed you to take. Please forgive me for the times I have starved you from real nutrients and water, drying you out. Of course you would begin to give up on me! I don’t blame you. My sweet body…. I love you so much. My beautiful vessel that carries me with these mortal feet, wherever I want to go; every single day of my life. My hands that write and type until my beautiful eyes beg me to shut. They never fight me. You allow me to overwork you and underfeed you and push you to your limits everyday without the amount of rest you deserve. You have sacrificed so much of your energy for me so I can selfishly live how I want to live and I think because you are my body and my mind tells me it’s okay that it is okay. I am so sorry vessel. I am so sorry for the torturous things I have put you through and I beg of your forgiveness. I express all my gratitude to you now and forever. I express my love to you endlessly, for without you, I would not be this being.” I began to specifically touch each individual organ and tell it how much I love it and thanked it specifically for the unique work it does for my body to retain power and strength, giving me another moment inside my own handpicked body. I began to revel in my love for my body and began to have conversations with my body I had never thought to have before. My body began to tell me things it has held onto for so many years. We talked, we laughed, we cried together; my body and I.

And together, we let go.

I promised to myself and my body from that moment forward, I would always remember to give my love and gratitude back to it. I promised to always take care of it. I promised to always listen deeply to it and never take for granted what it has to tell me. I promised to trust my body with its communication.

Just like our friendships, work relationships, romantic partnerships, and family ties that require love and attention and effort. Our body and our souls are tied together in their very own relationship. One that we too often take for granted.

We are not our bodies.

And when we die, our bodies are not ours to keep. Our bodies do not follow us wherever we go because our soul is timeless. Our soul is not kept inside our body because our body is a costume that merely contains our soul which is in fact our life form. Our body is there for us immortal souls to operate and function in a mortal World.

Among every relationship you have in your life; don’t forget the relationship you have with your body. Take the time to touch it, talk to it, listen to it. It is what carries you. It is what saves you. It is your protection. Your very resource for movement alone. And without it, you are imprisoned in a case that will only release you when it finally gives up. So, I say again with as much encouragement as I can muster………..

Love the World around you. Love the ups and downs that come your way. Love the people, places, and things that come in and out of your life. Share your stories and memories and make things happen.

And most importantly, LOVE THY BODY.
The very unique, exquisite, and beautiful threshold that you reside in.
Your ultimate home.

Love it with your full soul and heart and it will love you back. And together, may you both live in this Mortal life, happy, healthy, and prosperous.


Make It A “Me” Day

I’m sitting at trax reading all my favorite blogs, one by one on my Google Reader. The best blogs I know of (thus far) all in one place for my viewing pleasure. As I go through them, I star my favorites into a sub-category.

As I was just reading The Skool of Life, by one of my inspirations, Srinivas Rao, I thought to myself, “I should take one day and go through my list of favorite blogs. Re-read them. Re-amp my own fire.”
Because up until this point, I haven’t re-read a single starred post; completely destroying the whole point of the Favorite system.

On top of that idea, I decided, the day I do that, I will also pamper myself. Continue a book I’ve been reading. Take more time for the one I’m writing. Paint my nails. Relax.
That day, I’m going to make it a “me day”.

I’m been slackin on this day, myself. But I think we all deserve a day to ourselves. A day to not worry about our work life, our finances, or the news. We need a day to just “soak in a bath.” (or however you choose to spend it)

“Me” Days are important because they are a big part of our revitalization. They help us get it together. They can really help the motivational aspect of our lives as we take that day to remember what’s important to us, where our priorities lie, and what exactly we’re doing in life.

They help the moms feel individualized again. They decrease the stress in lives of workaholics world-wide. The help the crazed feel beautiful again. They help the men and woman in relationships focus on themselves again.

I guess you could say they are a fantasy day. And hey, whatever you want to name your “me time” is up to you. Name it whatever gets you excited for it!

As we go through life, we tend to get so caught up in the outside world. We worry about traffic, bills, other people’s problems. We complain about simple things. We look at the beauty of it all less, and stare into a black oblivion more. We forget about ourselves. What makes us go, what makes us feel great inside and out. We let things slide.

Well not anymore! You owe it to yourself to make a day, right now. Make one day, once a week, to dedicate to yourself. Drink some wine, relax, and do what YOU WANT.
Not what you need.

Have you been letting your hobbies wither? Have you forgotten about some passions in life? Have you been thinking about something lately that you just have an urge to do?

If the answer is yes to any of these, then today is the day my friend! Go spoil yourself. Make it your day and wash your worries away 😉

The Beauty Within

Current Location: incense table
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: Edinburgh Military Tattoo Festival – Scotland 2010

I got called weird and wrong today for telling my friend she needs to learn how to forgive.
I got a smug look a skinny bimbo for calling my size 2 body beautiful.
What is up with the people today??
Since when was beauty classified as something only women who are the size of a basketball pole can have? I don’t have extensions or fake eyelashes.
I didn’t pay five thousand dollars to get watermelons on my chest and I don’t use an eyebrow pencil. I have a petite, gymnast, muscular body with a lot of freckles and a loud mouth. I go to school and can hold a conversation. So what part of that isn’t beautiful? Am I too real for y’all?
I’m sick of Hollywood putting impressions on the young minds today. I had my twelve year old cousin calling me the other day, asking me how to look older. What?????
I do indeed have gorgeous friends, but I found that with extreme beauty, they sacrifice their heart. Beautiful girls I see nowadays think they have the right to order their friends around, as if we’re in a caste system. The prettier you are, the more say you have right? They jeopardize your love life because God Forbid does someone pay attention to you and not them. They can’t stand the thought that they were overlooked and not considered a fun time. But you were, and they hate that.
Girl, you are beautiful. Don’t ever let a skinny bitch tell you otherwise.
I’m sick of seeing compliments go to my friend’s heads. Playing with boys’ hearts like it’s a game. Pretty girls always think they can get away with it, because all they have to do is flash that pretty smile or give up the goods and they are back in control. News flash! It doesn’t work like that. Eventually, looks wear out. You can’t control someone with your looks. Eventually, you’re gonna get old and worn out. Then what will you have?
Are you smart? Do you like to be around your family? Their family? Are you adventurous? Can you fucking laugh? Are you positive? Do you have any hobbies besides getting fucked up? No? You don’t?
Then you aren’t beautiful. You can only have your way for so long until someone turns around and tells you, they don’t need you anymore. Eventually, your mean spirit will come out of your eyes and you will be no better than Medusa. No better than that ugly, fat girl you were just making fun of.

Watch what you say about other people. Because Karma isn’t afraid to be a bitch.

There is no bigger disappointment or turn-off for me then when people refuse to let go of their damned pride and and forgive. Pride is a deadly sin for a reason. People are never uglier than when they have too much pride to say sorry or to take responsibility for their actions. I don’t want to hear that you are better than anyone, you are no better than the homeless person asking for money. Too much pride can and will kill you.
When are we going to live in a world where people just fucking DROP IT? When are people ever going to let go of their over sized egos and realize they are not the most important? They have no more right or obligation to act anymore superior than the next guy.

Being around the people I love I should be happy. And yet I can’t help but shake my head more. I get called weird for giving good commonly sensed advice and life gifts that you can’t buy.
Ignorance is bliss, but arrogance is unbearable.

Samidge Meditation

Current Location: Schwinnster, outside.
Current Music: Skinny Love by Bon Iver

I’ve never realized more, than when I’m high, how fucking beautiful Utah is. Our mountains just breath taking. My breath is literally being taken away, so much, I can barely enjoy my Jason’s Deli Rueben sandwich. Today, the air has no pollution. It’s crisp and just wet enough to take 8 count breaths in and fill up the lungs with good energy. Nobody has our beautiful of a place to live, for a desert. Did you know our entire 30 mile range of the Salt Lake Valley used to be the bottom of a lake? Yes, that’s indeed why we are surrounded by mountains, you think anyone is that lucky? No way. We’re not too populated, like California, where the scenic mountains are covered by houses and cars. We’re not too deserted that we don’t know what’s going on, on the other side of the mountain. We may have a lot of Mormons, but, when is that a bad thing? We have a pretty safe state environment, and for the most part, good standards. The people here really do mean well, regardless of the religion or ignorance, arrogance, shallowness, etc.

Looking around lately, I’ve started to match where I am with how it would look from a bird’s eye view or if you were to look at a map or globe. It’s pretty mind blowing. I’m looking at our mountains, measuring how high in actuality they really sit up. Every morning I get to greet the Sun coming up behind the Wasatch Mountains: Mount Olympus, Lone Peak, Mount Timpanogos, and South Mountain (not counting the mountain peaks that continue with the Wasatch Range both North and South of our valley) topping out at just below 1,200 feet. It may not be as tall as the Colorado Rockies, but damn! That is tall, Utah! We’re tiny. We’re lucky we are bigger than flies. Putting it into perspective, if you mound up piles of sand, making the Wasatch Front, we are smaller than a single grain of that sand.  How high our exact elevations are and comparing them to our world or holding it up on a platform for a science project. Again, my mind is being blown. It’s almost time to dance with Lucy 🙂