The Playboy coffee table.
Northstar – Ice Factory
First off, I am probably going to sound like a hypocrite during this topic. I have no intention to. The concept of change is on my mind today.
My best friend is growing a conscious finally.
My other friend has an intention to change but has no action at all, she just likes the thought of it.
One of my best friends is letting her life being taken over by drugs, and it’s the most unfortunate change I have ever seen in my life.
My mother, bless her heart, has been working so hard to change, and it has paid off by her getting a new job that is double her current salary; which helps her out tremendously.
Four different stages of change.
The best friend has done stuff that would make people’s jaws drop. But she has kept the conscious of a little kid, which in a way is extremely beautiful. She doesn’t get bad karma because she never cared. She never thought twice. I have been watching her world slowly unravel as she has opened up to me about wanting to be more mature, smarter, and do something with her time besides party and do drugs until the wee hours of the morning. I am extremely proud of her and commend her for her success and failures. After all, you can’t have success without failure. She is probably one of the most amazing women I have ever had the blessing to meet in this lifetime and in many ways, has been both my inspiration and motivation to become who I am today. She is strong, yet, sub consciously doesn’t believe in her ability to change on her own. It has taken months of watching me, to push her into her own mind, telling herself, “I can do this”. I can feel her spirit trying and doing. I can almost touch her determination. She still inspires me everyday to be great alongside with her. I am happy we are back on the same page and more comfortable now that we know depths of each other better than we know ourselves. We have everything ourselves that the other doesn’t. She is the yin to my yang.
I am feeling frustrated with my other friend and I feel bad that I do. I know how hard it is to motivate yourself and to stay on the track that is right for me. I think the only reason I am feeling frustrated is because she saw how hard I worked and now she comes to me to confide her stress and emotions. She asks me for advice about everything and I am always more than happy to give it to her. The thing I get frustrated on is when she doesn’t take it. I feel like it’s a slap in my face. Like she took a bag full of my genuine time and energy and threw it in the trash. It’s almost like she is put to a test by the higher being…… Not even an hour after every heartfelt conversation and her reassurance that, “Damnit! I am going to stay clean and be temple worthy! I really want to be temple worthy!” Someone asks her to either buy drugs, buy alcohol, or if she wants to get obliterated. And she always does. She gives me a look as if to say, “oh, you meant change now? I know I said I would, but I’m not strong enough to say no. I’m so sorry….” I would rather her just be confident enough to say, “yeah I wanna change, but I know I’m not ready to.” And I would never have an objection. It is okay to be a late bloomer, friend. Just because everyone around is changing, doesn’t mean you should feel forced to. Not only will it slow your progression, but you will be innocently digging yourself a deep hole. Change doesn’t come instantly, my friend. It takes patience and time and more importantly, EFFORT. I know you have it in you, but you need to know it too, or you will never find your happiness. I pray moving back to McCall, Idaho helps you and shows you how great you are. I wish you could see it.
One of my other best friends is slowly losing her soul to cocaine. Yes, for anyone who has ever done it, knows it’s a great time. It’s the drug from Planet Awesome. We get it. But when is it destruction? It’s a beauty on the outside. It looks like everyone is having a fun time, and indeed they are. Trust you me. But it is now changing one of my closest friends to the point where I can’t even look at her in the eyes anymore because I can’t find her soul. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, well…. where is it?! This is the girl who inspired me to WANT to go back to school. To WANT to be successful. She paid her off her college loans within the first six months she graduated from Massage Therapy School. This girl just bought a freaking 2011 Chevy Camaro and only works four days a week. She is beautiful, hilarious, and is the best shoulder to cry on. She is now late on her rent because she would rather by an 8ball. Her diet includes coke, beer, liquor, hot pockets, white wine, and the occasional fruit or vegetable. She is obliterated everywhere she goes. She has turned to calling me lame, stupid, dumb, party pooper, and any other loner label in relation because I choose to not do it with her. One year ago exactly we were in the opposite positions. She saw how the drug and alcohol lifestyle took over my personality, responsibility, and shine. She saw the friendships it tore apart and saw the road bumps a mile away. It’s my chance to show her and help her, and she just refuses. I have seen this change and it now aches and breaks my heart. How do you help someone who has changed for the worse? How do you get them to care again? No one around her is sober enough to tell her she is digging a trench in the middle of the bridge. Eventually, she is going to fall through.
My mom, despite her craziness, gives me hope for the future. I have seen this lady in the past year go through suicidal depression, medication, therapy, tears, hair pulling, and a state of lonely that makes the wrinkles on your forehead permanent. She is worked harder than anyone I know to get better. Today, she is smiling like she doesn’t know what frowning is. She laughs like she has never heard anything funnier. She sticks to her views and still gives me the chance to express mine. She has gotten her social life back and has been offered a job doubling her salary. Her whole life, all she has wanted was to be available to her kids as much as possible and buy a house on an island. Next year she will be building a house with enough rooms and a yard big enough for the whole family. She will be getting a house down on the San Jose island of Costa Rica! She will have every bill paid off. She has found security within herself and realizes she doesn’t need a male’s attention to feel pretty. She is powerful and beautiful and still the hero of my time. This wouldn’t be the first time I have praised her for her success and struggle (the first time would be for my 4th grade paper on who my hero was and why). She encourages me when I feel like giving up. She picks me up when I get scrapes on my knee. She is the icon of change and evolution. She is a prime example of why the rest of everyone in the world can change and succeed. I feel truly blessed to be half of what she is. This is the kind of change that makes me shake my head in respect and appreciation.