August 2011

The Beauty Within

Current Location: incense table
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: Edinburgh Military Tattoo Festival – Scotland 2010

I got called weird and wrong today for telling my friend she needs to learn how to forgive.
I got a smug look a skinny bimbo for calling my size 2 body beautiful.
What is up with the people today??
Since when was beauty classified as something only women who are the size of a basketball pole can have? I don’t have extensions or fake eyelashes.
I didn’t pay five thousand dollars to get watermelons on my chest and I don’t use an eyebrow pencil. I have a petite, gymnast, muscular body with a lot of freckles and a loud mouth. I go to school and can hold a conversation. So what part of that isn’t beautiful? Am I too real for y’all?
I’m sick of Hollywood putting impressions on the young minds today. I had my twelve year old cousin calling me the other day, asking me how to look older. What?????
I do indeed have gorgeous friends, but I found that with extreme beauty, they sacrifice their heart. Beautiful girls I see nowadays think they have the right to order their friends around, as if we’re in a caste system. The prettier you are, the more say you have right? They jeopardize your love life because God Forbid does someone pay attention to you and not them. They can’t stand the thought that they were overlooked and not considered a fun time. But you were, and they hate that.
Girl, you are beautiful. Don’t ever let a skinny bitch tell you otherwise.
I’m sick of seeing compliments go to my friend’s heads. Playing with boys’ hearts like it’s a game. Pretty girls always think they can get away with it, because all they have to do is flash that pretty smile or give up the goods and they are back in control. News flash! It doesn’t work like that. Eventually, looks wear out. You can’t control someone with your looks. Eventually, you’re gonna get old and worn out. Then what will you have?
Are you smart? Do you like to be around your family? Their family? Are you adventurous? Can you fucking laugh? Are you positive? Do you have any hobbies besides getting fucked up? No? You don’t?
Then you aren’t beautiful. You can only have your way for so long until someone turns around and tells you, they don’t need you anymore. Eventually, your mean spirit will come out of your eyes and you will be no better than Medusa. No better than that ugly, fat girl you were just making fun of.

Watch what you say about other people. Because Karma isn’t afraid to be a bitch.

There is no bigger disappointment or turn-off for me then when people refuse to let go of their damned pride and and forgive. Pride is a deadly sin for a reason. People are never uglier than when they have too much pride to say sorry or to take responsibility for their actions. I don’t want to hear that you are better than anyone, you are no better than the homeless person asking for money. Too much pride can and will kill you.
When are we going to live in a world where people just fucking DROP IT? When are people ever going to let go of their over sized egos and realize they are not the most important? They have no more right or obligation to act anymore superior than the next guy.

Being around the people I love I should be happy. And yet I can’t help but shake my head more. I get called weird for giving good commonly sensed advice and life gifts that you can’t buy.
Ignorance is bliss, but arrogance is unbearable.

Dogs are people, too.

Current Location: My African Cabana
Current Mood: Humbled
Current Music: Never Shout Never – Happy


I have had one of the best days I’ve had since…. Well last week or so. But do you ever just relax in your bed at the end of the day and the pictures just replay in your head? As if a camera is showing you snapshots of how great it is to be out in the fresh air, getting dirty, growing closer with friends. There is nothing like the purity of life.

I spent all day pretty much, minus a few hours here and there, surrounded with dogs. It still amazes me how peaceful they are. They seem like the happiest creatures on Earth. As they run, one after another, leap and tumble and wrestle in the dirt. They jump into rivers of flowing water without any concern as to how cold it must be or how deep it is. Wet dogs run right off and continue to play in the dirt, not wondering who will see them dirty. Their ears perk up and eyes widen gloriously as you udder the sentence, “Wanna play ball?!”

Canine’s are one of the most human relatable animals and show us that you don’t need a lot to be happy. They don’t need couches, paintings, Gucci bags, baby phat shoes, or a big house to live in. they show us that all we need to survive is food, liquid, and the companionship of another. Compassion and sincerity is a way to a heart. Dogs like certain people because they have a touch for the sense we humans forget we have. Just like kids, dogs possess innocence. They feed off how another makes them feel. They go by what they feel inside, not by what you have in common with them. They don’t like us for our stuff, they like us for how we interact with them.
We could really learn a lot from dogs and other animals, as a matter as a fact.


Goodnight World,


The Change Waves of Life:

Current Location: The Playboy coffee table.
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: Northstar – Ice Factory

First off, I am probably going to sound like a hypocrite during this topic. I have no intention to. The concept of change is on my mind today.
My best friend is growing a conscious finally.
My other friend has an intention to change but has no action at all, she just likes the thought of it.
One of my best friends is letting her life being taken over by drugs, and it’s the most unfortunate change I have ever seen in my life.
My mother, bless her heart, has been working so hard to change, and it has paid off by her getting a new job that is double her current salary; which helps her out tremendously.

Four different stages of change.

The best friend has done stuff that would make people’s jaws drop. But she has kept the conscious of a little kid, which in a way is extremely beautiful. She doesn’t get bad karma because she never cared. She never thought twice. I have been watching her world slowly unravel as she has opened up to me about wanting to be more mature, smarter, and do something with her time besides party and do drugs until the wee hours of the morning. I am extremely proud of her and commend her for her success and failures. After all, you can’t have success without failure. She is probably one of the most amazing women I have ever had the blessing to meet in this lifetime and in many ways, has been both my inspiration and motivation to become who I am today. She is strong, yet, sub consciously doesn’t believe in her ability to change on her own. It has taken months of watching me, to push her into her own mind, telling herself, “I can do this”. I can feel her spirit trying and doing. I can almost touch her determination. She still inspires me everyday to be great alongside with her. I am happy we are back on the same page and more comfortable now that we know depths of each other better than we know ourselves. We have everything ourselves that the other doesn’t. She is the yin to my yang.

I am feeling frustrated with my other friend and I feel bad that I do. I know how hard it is to motivate yourself and to stay on the track that is right for me. I think the only reason I am feeling frustrated is because she saw how hard I worked and now she comes to me to confide her stress and emotions. She asks me for advice about everything and I am always more than happy to give it to her. The thing I get frustrated on is when she doesn’t take it. I feel like it’s a slap in my face. Like she took a bag full of my genuine time and energy and threw it in the trash. It’s almost like she is put to a test by the higher being…… Not even an hour after every heartfelt conversation and her reassurance that, “Damnit! I am going to stay clean and be temple worthy! I really want to be temple worthy!” Someone asks her to either buy drugs, buy alcohol, or if she wants to get obliterated. And she always does. She gives me a look as if to say, “oh, you meant change now? I know I said I would, but I’m not strong enough to say no. I’m so sorry….” I would rather her just be confident enough to say, “yeah I wanna change, but I know I’m not ready to.” And I would never have an objection. It is okay to be a late bloomer, friend. Just because everyone around is changing, doesn’t mean you should feel forced to. Not only will it slow your progression, but you will be innocently digging yourself a deep hole. Change doesn’t come instantly, my friend. It takes patience and time and more importantly, EFFORT. I know you have it in you, but you need to know it too, or you will never find your happiness. I pray moving back to McCall, Idaho helps you and shows you how great you are. I wish you could see it.

One of my other best friends is slowly losing her soul to cocaine. Yes, for anyone who has ever done it, knows it’s a great time. It’s the drug from Planet Awesome. We get it. But when is it destruction? It’s a beauty on the outside. It looks like everyone is having a fun time, and indeed they are. Trust you me. But it is now changing one of my closest friends to the point where I can’t even look at her in the eyes anymore because I can’t find her soul. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, well…. where is it?! This is the girl who inspired me to WANT to go back to school. To WANT to be successful. She paid her off her college loans within the first six months she graduated from Massage Therapy School. This girl just bought a freaking 2011 Chevy Camaro and only works four days a week. She is beautiful, hilarious, and is the best shoulder to cry on. She is now late on her rent because she would rather by an 8ball. Her diet includes coke, beer, liquor, hot pockets, white wine, and the occasional fruit or vegetable. She is obliterated everywhere she goes. She has turned to calling me lame, stupid, dumb, party pooper, and any other loner label in relation because I choose to not do it with her. One year ago exactly we were in the opposite positions. She saw how the drug and alcohol lifestyle took over my personality, responsibility, and shine. She saw the friendships it tore apart and saw the road bumps a mile away. It’s my chance to show her and help her, and she just refuses. I have seen this change and it now aches and breaks my heart. How do you help someone who has changed for the worse? How do you get them to care again? No one around her is sober enough to tell her she is digging a trench in the middle of the bridge. Eventually, she is going to fall through.

My mom, despite her craziness, gives me hope for the future. I have seen this lady in the past year go through suicidal depression, medication, therapy, tears, hair pulling, and a state of lonely that makes the wrinkles on your forehead permanent. She is worked harder than anyone I know to get better. Today, she is smiling like she doesn’t know what frowning is. She laughs like she has never heard anything funnier. She sticks to her views and still gives me the chance to express mine. She has gotten her social life back and has been offered a job doubling her salary. Her whole life, all she has wanted was to be available to her kids as much as possible and buy a house on an island. Next year she will be building a house with enough rooms and a yard big enough for the whole family. She will be getting a house down on the San Jose island of Costa Rica! She will have every bill paid off. She has found security within herself and realizes she doesn’t need a male’s attention to feel pretty. She is powerful and beautiful and still the hero of my time. This wouldn’t be the first time I have praised her for her success and struggle (the first time would be for my 4th grade paper on who my hero was and why). She encourages me when I feel like giving up. She picks me up when I get scrapes on my knee. She is the icon of change and evolution. She is a prime example of why the rest of everyone in the world can change and succeed. I feel truly blessed to be half of what she is. This is the kind of change that makes me shake my head in respect and appreciation.

I already miss him….

It all started when we would talk on face book chat. I know, how corny does that sound, right? We would talk for hours, sometimes only a few minutes. We would talk about everything. He would give me advice and help on my homework.
We always made plans and they always fell through for over reason or another.
I always told myself I didn’t like him, and I think it’s because deep down, I was scared to like him.

He beat me multiple times in Words with Friends. I always sucked at that game anyways.

He asked me one day if he could come see me while I did my homework at the library. I never usually agree to people visiting me while I did homework. I hate my concentration to be broken. I dared myself to do something abnormal. I forced myself to open up to new people.
I thought it was weird my body jumped from the nerves when he sat down. I found it easier than I thought to let this acquaintance catch my attention.

He invited to Diva’s Cupcakes with him to meet his best friend Robby there. I didn’t end up doing my homework after all…… And I loved EVERY minute of it! My sense of time went out the window, with my stress and anxiety as well. I was engulfed in astrology conversation with Robby, while sipping on my Vanilla Chai.

We climbed a tree at the duck pond and sat ten feet above the water, staring into the shadows of each other until our eyes could adjust. We played different scenarios of what would happen if I fell in. I’m glad to say, he said he would save me in all of them.
I have never fed ducks at night until I did it with him, when he picked me up after his late shift at work. I don’t eat white bread, but I’ll buy it just so it will be the perfect excuse to see him and take him by the duck pond to feed the ducks and stand next to him.

It scared me to watch him in the eye when he told me, “I like you” because I’ve been single now for around three years and the thought of a boy genuinely liking me seems so far fetched. I’m used to boys using me for one reason or another. It’s happened so much I figured I wasn’t worth more. All I’ve prayed for is to meet someone who likes me as much as I like them. All I’ve asked for is to meet someone who would fight for me, understand me, and sincerely accept me. Before him, I was beginning to believe I would never get it.

And now I have it.

My body energy vibrates when he kisses me. My brain fries when he grabs my hair or my neck and I see patterns on the wall and ceiling. My legs tickles when he touches them. I smile constantly around him and my mind goes blank. I think of nothing I settle myself in the mortal nirvana. Being aware and awake around him is something I’ve never been able to do.

We give each other little random things, because we truly appreciate each other. When I was 17 and he took me to my high school sweetheart’s dance, I didn’t appreciate him. I’ve let myself come out of my boundaries and familiarities. He is forgiving and accepting. He lets me be my weird self. I’ve never once in my whole life, been praised for my oddness. And he loves it. (I just got butterflies when I wrote that)

I never thought someone would start to grow on me to the point of missing them over a measly two week period. He dropped me off two and a half hours ago, and I miss him already.